On Being Brave

I truly admire brave people. Those who are willing to step up and take a stand and risk it all. The people who can lay it all out there and be honest with everyone about their struggles The people who face discrimination every day and still walk out the door with their head held high. I admire those people. I wish I could be one of those people.

More often than not, when I do try to be one of those people, I end up blurting out something inappropriate or out of ignorance and it blows up in my face because I didn't think before I spoke. Therefore, causing more damage than doing good.

We're privileged to live in a time where we can witness some truly brave people. Among all of the battling, arguing, rioting, and fear, we can still see people standing out and reminding us there is hope. Taking down flags, getting married, embracing their true selves, or becoming the first African American woman to be a principal in a ballet company.

It's an exciting time to see the progress being made.

Friday morning I turned on my iPad to find rainbows flying across my screen with the news of the marriage equality ruling in the USA. People celebrating and turning their Facebook pictures into rainbows. For the first several hours, at least on my end of the Internet world, everyone was happy. Then of course, later, some of the backlash came.

I quietly retweeted one thing, and made a small statement on Facebook. Trying not to get noticed too much but also toeing the line of where I stood. Which, that in it of itself is annoying that we have to pick a side. No matter which side you pick, someone is going to think you're the bad guy. But that's another rant for another time. I liked a few comments and posts, but tried to stay relatively silent. The last time I had publicly stated something, there had been consequences and from then on I tried to be much more subtle about my opinions.

Later, a friend messaged me. We were in the same program in college and she figured out long before I did, that working in a church wasn't for her. We've talked in the past about how our views differ from most of those in the church and on Friday she thanked me for being so supportive of her opinions when she put them online. In turn, I told her I thought she was the brave one because she outright said her thoughts, while I just "liked" the comments.

The next day, one of my former college roommates changed her Facebook photo to be a rainbow. I'm not going to lie - I was surprised. She had always been more on the conservative and traditional side of things when we were in school. (I always respected her thoughts because I knew she had thought and prayed about them for a long time instead of just saying "That's how it's always been and I don't like change!") Then, as I thought about it and some of our conversations since graduating, it didn't surprise me all that much.

It got me to thinking. "If she can say something... maybe I can too." With that, I changed my Facebook picture too and braced myself for the backlash.

She and I talked after and we talked about our trains of thought on the matter and since we both are former workers for our Synod, some of the fears we had. Or, in reality, the fears I had. While I don't formally work in a church anymore, being vocal about opinions different than those in the church can be a scary thing.

She reminded me how the fears we have must only be a fraction of those who actually have been fighting for marriage equality, or haven't come out yet, or deal with the discrimination every day. She also encouraged me to be brave because "I bet there's more of us waiting in the wings!"

To be honest, I'm sure hardly anyone batted an eye at my Facebook profile. In fact, those who know me probably already knew my thoughts, or could at least guess.

All through high school and college I worked so hard at having the perfect Christian girl image where I read my Bible every day and upheld good values and sang my heart out in worship and had the perfect prayer for everything. Since then I've been letting go of that image and letting myself be me. Part of me wonders if I was the only one I was fooling.

But I figure, the least I can do is show my support for those who need it. Because, it's not about me. It's about showing them "Yes, I support you. I'm here for you while you fight the battle." Maybe, in a small way, I'm fighting it with them.

I'm still not the bravest person out there, and I probably never will be. In fact, in recent days I've admired a friend of mine who has been posting blogs putting it all out there about her emotions and past and I haven't even had the guts to tell her how much I admire it, and how I wish I was a better friend to her.

Through all of this, I've been thinking about a song from Hairspray. It was for the movie version and they sing it in the credits. "We've come so far but we've got so far to go..." While the musical mainly focuses on racism, the themes still apply to other rights as well.

We've all made so much progress in our country and in our world. (Did you know in Mozambique this week it is now legal to be gay? The USA isn't the only one making progress!) We should celebrate it and embrace it! If we don't, we'll get lost in hopelessness. But there's still a lot more to do. Let's all be brave, even if it is in our own quiet way. Then little by little, we'll keep making progress.

Created to Create Together

This past weekend, after church, two of my friends and I went over to the main campus (the service we attend is at a movie theatre, then our church has a traditional church building we call either the "main" or "north" campus) to meet with the music director to rehearse for the next week's service. My two friends had sung for worship services in the past, and last month I had played my ukulele. Our music director was excited to get all of us together to play one day.

What happened that afternoon was magical. Granted, it could have been several factors. The fact we are all good friends and have known each other for years probably played into it. We know each other well, act ridiculously silly around one another, and have no qualms about spending an extra few hours away from home to hang out. It was also daylight savings time, so we were all still sleepy and yet on our second, third, or maybe even fourth cups of coffee. It also could have been that we've all been playing and singing music for years. While I may have only been playing ukulele for a little over six months, I've been playing music since I was nine. I'm sure the other women in our little foursome have similar stories.

We laughed, had fun, played, sang, and bounced around ideas. The singers blended together so well we couldn't tell who was who. We threw another instrument into the mix. Someone suggested different riffs to play in instrument solos. Different harmonies were added in.

Our music director was so excited she said, "this is what being in an actual band is like. Working together, making your own arrangements, being creative."

It was exciting. Most worship teams are only able to get the songs, maybe have one or two rehearsals before Sunday morning, then lead the congregation. (In fact, the first time I played for my church I was only able to rehearse the morning of.) Nothing is wrong with this. The purpose of the worship team is to lead the congregation in singing and worship. That's what matters.

But, being able to truly collaborate and having the opportunity to create something great, it's a gift.

Earlier that morning, one of the points our pastor brought up having the Spirit of the Lord in us and how part of that is having the God who created everything in us. A Spirit of creativity. It's a topic I tend to think about a lot, so it was nice to hear one of my pastors having the same thoughts.

There's a lot of wonder and thought about what it means to be "created in God's image." In Genesis, when it says God created man, it says, "Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness" (Gen. 1:26). It's confusing because it's not about what we look like. It's God... he doesn't necessarily look like anything. So what does it mean we're made in his image?

I have two ideas of what it could mean. The first is what one of my professors in college would say. The "us" in the verse, is the Holy Trinity. (Father, Son, Holy Spirit.) Not just a single aspect of God. All three parts of him. Also, God is love. We're made to be in relationship with others and to love and to have those part of us. We're created to be in community.

I also think we're created to create. The entire Bible begins with God being creative. Making things. Thinking stuff up that hadn't been there before. God invented creativity. I think he put that spirit in us as well.

So, imagine what it's like when you put the two things together.

So many times we think of the creative process being a solitary one. Especially for writers. Locked up in a cold room somewhere (maybe in Paris) with fingerless gloves typing away at the keyboard until their masterpiece of a novel is completed. Which, maybe for some writers that works. I believe one of the Bronte sisters (forgive me for not remembering which one right now) was in fact incredibly solitary but was able to create a beautiful piece of literature.

But for most of us, I don't think it always works that way.

As we were rehearsing on Sunday, we were working on this one song "Because He Lives (Amen)." It's a newer song and two of us had only played it once the previous month. It was a great song. There was something about it which brings everyone in. My friend then noticed who had written it.

It had been a collaborative piece. When she looked at all of the names, they were the names of the greats. The people who had changed the game of worship music back in the 70s and started the whole contemporary worship movement. There were names of musicians who are still changing the game now. They all had come together to write this song.

Amazing things happen when creative people get together to make something.

It's why I get so excited for my writing dates with friends so we can help each other with our novels and bounce ideas off of each other. It's why so many bloggers and YouTubers love to do collab projects with other people. It's why I think I'm in love with listening to covers of popular songs or mash-ups of pieces of music. Or when I worked in the church office we would take over each others offices and sit for a while and just brainstorm ideas for the pastor's sermon or a Bible study or class we were getting ready for.

Yes, sometimes we need to be creative alone. I can't have someone write my novel or my blog posts for me. An artist can't hand over their paint brush and let someone else do it for them.

But ultimately, I think part of how we were made is so we could be creative together. Even if you don't have the same faith or theology as I do, you have to admit, something magical happens when creative people get together to make something.

On my Mind Right Now

It's been a crazy couple of weeks and it doesn't seem like things are going to be slowing down anytime soon.

First - my sisters wedding.

Last week was my sister's wedding shower. It was a lot of fun, but also a lot of work. What's crazier is that I'm realizing my sister's wedding is coming closer and closer. Shower #2 for our family in Indiana is in 16 days. The bachelorette party is in 6 weeks. Then the wedding itself is in just over two months. The bridesmaid dresses came in this week and we picked them up on Tuesday and mine is HUGE on top so I have to have it altered. We also need to get going on the centerpieces. I feel like there's so much to do still. The wedding will be beautiful and fun and awesome - but there's so much between now and then.

Second- work.

The preschool where I work is at a church and this week is their Vacation Bible School. Naturally, our kids join in. It's been a lot of fun and it's a great change of pace. However, with all of the new teachers, volunteers, and kids around, it's really throwing off the kids in the preschool. They're enjoying the week, but I can tell all of the craziness is taking it's toll on them. Also, the teacher has been out of town on a mission trip this week which just throws everyone off even more. It's been fine and a lot of fun, but I know I'll be glad when things go back to "normal" on Monday.

Third- waiting to hear from another job.

Last week, in the middle of all of the crazy for my sister's shower, I had a job interview for a position I really want. Like... I REALLY REALLY want it. It's still only part time and won't pay a whole lot. However, the hours would work with my current job and it's a foot in the door into a field I really think I would love and the extra income will be a big help. I think the interview went well, but he said he'll be deciding by the end of the month who he'll hire. Which means I probably won't heart until next week. I'm hoping for sooner because I just want to know! I can imagine myself at this job and I think it would be perfect for me. Waiting is just awful. I followed up with an email the next day and I mailed a thank you note this week. Hopefully I left an awesome impression.

Fourth- VEDA is coming up.

I'm super excited for Vlog Every Day in August this year. I've done it for the last two years and this year will be awesome as well. But among all of the other crazy in my life, my friend Kirsti and I decided to run it. Honestly, it's pretty simple. We already have the sign up form ready to launch in a few days, someone is working on getting the site up, and the brainstorming session is scheduled. Kirsti and I have been taking turns answering questions via the Twitter account and it seems like people are excited. I still can't help but worry we're missing something or I'll mess it all up somehow. This is such a fun month and I've made a ton of friends through VEDA. Hopefully it'll all go off without a hitch.

Fifth- thinking about my old youth group.

This week the youth I used to lead have been in Panama City for BigStuf. It's one of our all time favorite trips we would take. I was able to write prayer cards for a few of them and the leaders have been tagging me in all of their photos and videos on Facebook. I've loved seeing their adventures and what they've been up to. I'm so proud of them and what a great group it is, and it's a relief to know those teenagers are in good hands. But I also have been thinking back to the last time I went and everything I did for the last 5 1/2 years. I think about all of the times I failed or could have done better or disappointed people. I know I was good at my job - but I also know I wasn't perfect. I wish I could go into the past and fix some of those mistakes. I also kinda wish I was there on the beach with them. But I know it's all for the best.

Sixth- my Barnes and Noble gift card.

My sister and her fiance gave me a gift card to Barnes and Noble for my birthday a few weeks ago and I still have no idea how I'm going to use it. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal - but I want to be sure it's the PERFECT THING! I know, I know, I need to get over it. #readerproblems.

Seventh- Auditions.

I'm finally in a place where I might be able to go out for a few shows in the community. Granted, if I get the job I want I might not be able to do any shows. Which is fine. However, while I'm waiting to hear back from the job I'm preparing for a few auditions. The first one is on Sunday and I still can't decide if I want to try for it or not. It's a straight play and there are only 3 roles, all for women. It's a very different sort of role I'm going for than I usually would do, but I think it would be a great stretch for me and I could be really good at it. Then there are two musicals I want to audition for coming up if I don't make the play or decide to not go for the play. But I can't help but wonder if going for a show is too much on my plate right now.

So yeah... I guess you could say I have a lot on my mind lately. I know some of you have way bigger things happening in your lives at the moments. Babies being born, family happenings, relationship issues, etc. But right now this is my life. I'm not complaining by any means. I'm crazy blessed and most of these items I'm outrageously excited about! But, this is just a peek into what's going on in my life and my brain lately.

How are all of you? What's going on in your life? I'd love to catch up!

Blog Everyday in July Topic: On My Mind Right Now

Six Months Later

Over the weekend I visited Missouri for the first time since resigning from my youth ministry position. The senior pastor who had been my supervisor for those five and a half years was retiring and there was going to be a special service and dinner for him on Sunday. I wanted to be there. My reasons for resigning had nothing to do with the church, congregation, or staff itself. It was a purely personal thing.

The whole "It's not you, it's me" cliche.

Only this time it was true.

So, I decided to go back and visit.

As I drove the boring six hours down 57, I was excited, but also really scared. I may have been listening to a mix of musical soundtracks and an audio book of The Giver, I still wasn't distracted enough to not think about what would happen over the weekend. Something I've learned since moving back to Chicago is that while you were gone and moved on with your life, so has everyone else. Their lives don't become paused as they wait for you to return.

Intellectually, I already knew this. It makes sense. My life happens, and so does theirs. But when faced with the reality of being gone for five years and catching up with old friends, it's been interesting to see how fitting each other into our lives again works now. It's not the same as it was when we were in college and high school.

For Missouri, I haven't been gone for five years, only six months. Yet, I couldn't help but wonder how things had changed. Did anyone actually miss me the way I missed them? Was there any bitterness to my leaving? Would it be awkward to walk through those halls of the church again?

But I had nothing to fear. 

As I visited with old friends we fell back into step as though I had never been gone. Sitting down to have lunch and talk about the last six months over microwaved hot pockets. Running errands around town with their kids in the back seat singing to Frozen. Catching people at Starbucks and sitting down at a table together to catch up. Late night talks after dinner with glasses of amazing raspberry wine. Visiting the farmers market early in the morning. Laughing and getting sunburned while at rehearsal with my former theatre company. Avenue Q sing a longs at lunch. Catching a late show of The Fault in Our Stars after an outdoor dinner.

It's amazing how easily you can fall right back in step with some people. 

It was Sunday I was really worried about. Returning to church. What would it be like?

Yet, I had nothing to fear. I was greeted with warm hugs and smiles and questions about life. Questions I wish I had some better answers to. They didn't mind that though. As long as I was happy, this was all that mattered to them. It wasn't quite the same with some people and a few of the youth. And that's okay. Their lives have moved on and so has mine. The pastor who over a year ago listened and encouraged me when I told him I was resigning was happy I was there and gave me a hug as he gave me communion one last time. A friend and I laughed to ourselves as we became the snark squad at church. I was able to share life and thoughts with my former co-workers. People grasping my arm to check out my new ink. It was nice.

It's funny how sometimes we build things up in our heads to be something awkward and terrible. When in fact, there is nothing to be afraid of at all. 

It was sad going back up to Chicago again. The drive back was long and boring. I wondered about the choices I've made over the past year and if they were the right ones.

Which, they were, and still are. I know I'm in the right place. I remember how my BFF is returning from her trip to Italy tonight and we can chat over cosmos about how summer has been so far. I think about how this weekend I'll go downtown with some friends to see Motown the musical. I think about some potential opportunities coming up which are exciting. I think about how I have more theatre friends to hang out with and throw Tony Awards Parties with. I think about how I'm here with my family and I can help my sister with her upcoming wedding plans. I think about the church where i worship now and the wonderful friends I have there. It's a good life up in Chicago. Even if I don't have everything together.

But I sometimes do wish I could transport all of my Missouri friends up here to Chicago. 

That's life though, right? Things grow and change and adjust as we make our choices. It's never easy, but it's what happens. And that's okay.

To the Class of 2014

Back in Cape Girardeau where I had been living, this was the last week of school. As sad as it always was to see the seniors I worked with graduate and move on, it was also really exciting to see where they were going.

This year it's particularly bitter sweet. The class which is graduating this year was my very first confirmation class when I had arrived at St. Andrew on my internship after my four years of studying in college. Up until my last year, many of these students (along with others) were some of the most involved and those I had a special close relationship. Now they're graduating, and it's oddly fitting both I left and they are moving on in the same school year.

Here is some final advice to you (and really, to all of the teenagers I worked with for those 5 1/2 years) from your former youth minister. Complete with embarrassing photos of you and your youth group friends from 7th grade until now!

National Youth Gathering, San Antonio, 2013

- as Mr. Jim would say, "Do it well, do it now, and do it with a smile."

- whatever happens at the lock-in (or on road trips...) stays there.

- keep in touch with your old friends as best you can, but if you loose touch... It's okay.

- be open to new people and new opportunities

Jr. High Retreat- 2009

- get out of where you grew up. Even if it's just for a trip or a semester. 

-  faith is hard as you get older and you change and grow. I'm not sure why, but it is. Don't be scared of it though. God can handle your doubts, anger, worries, and questions. 

- if the gospel you share with others isn't in love it's not the gospel.

Alabama Mission Trip 2013

- you're not going to be best friends forever with everyone you meet. That's okay. You don't have to be. But be kind to them anyways. 

- you might (aka probably) change your major and your life plan. That's okay.

Peer Ministry Training 2013

- be realistic and plan for your future, but still do something you love and be willing to change.

- yes, student loans might own your soul. It's just one of those parts of life. You'll survive.

I honestly can't remember when this was taken...

- when you go out with your friends, please be careful. Have fun, but be smart about it. If I hear a story about you getting hurt or killed I'll find you and kill you again. I say this out of love.

- our God is love.

National Youth Gathering San Antonio, 2013

- if you're going to college, I want you to do well and get good grades. But for the love of all that is good and holy have fun too. You'll regret not having those memories.

- don't mix your drinks and volunteer to be the DD on occasion.

BigStuf 2011... I think

- connect with your professors/bosses/coaches. Their guidance and friendship are invaluable.

- why yes, in college you can go to the bathroom without permission from your teacher. It took me FOREVER to get used to. 

- you don't have to find your soulmate right now. If you do, awesome. But if not, that's awesome too.

- check your drama at the door.

Superbowl Party 2009

- read a book... Especially if it's not for class.

- call your mom sometimes. She worries about you. It's her job.

- do something that scares you.

- knonekt

- wherever you are, find a church or on campus faith group. You can't do this faith thing alone. 

- still make friends with people who are different from you though. You'll learn so much!

- question everything. Even the Bible says to do that. If something doesn't sound right or something doesn't fit what you've been taught, find out for yourself. Read about it in the Bible. Talk to someone from church or someone else you really trust.

BigStuf Panama City, 2011

- you will get hurt. People you love will make mistakes. Forgive them.

- forgive, but remember there's a difference between forgiving and being a doormat.

- you're going to make mistakes and hurt people too. Say you're sorry.

- remember what I would tell you on trips: if you think I or another adult won't like it, you're probably right. So don't do it.

Chicago Mission Trip 2012

- be gloriously crazy!

- this is your new start- what are you going to do with it?

- wear flip flops in the dorm bathroom. Barefeet in there is just gross.

- if you aren't going to college, still do your best in whatever you do.
- don't take yourself so seriously!

- "you make beautiful things out of the dust."

Confirmation Retreat 2009

Confirmation Retreat 2009

BigStuf Panama City, 2011

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-39 ESV)

National Youth Gathering San Antonio, 2013

Congrats class of 2014 (and beyond)! You're going to do awesome things!

If you could give this year's high school seniors advice, what would it be?

Christmas Week in Review

First off, I want to apologize for the crazy that was my blog on Friday. First, the link-up tool wasn't working, and then it just messed everything else up. My layout was screwy, people couldn't comment, links weren't working - it was awful. But it seems as though everything is cleared up and working again. So, if you want to participate in the 2013 Book Wrap-Up - you still can! Just click here. 

Okay, moving on.

Whew. Is it really Monday already? Was Christmas really last week? Have I really been back in Chicago for a week now? This is crazy. However, technically it is still only the sixth day of Christmas. (Yes, the 12 days of Christmas actually START on Christmas day. Today we should get six geese-a-laying.) Which means, we're still in the Christmas season and we can keep celebrating. Cue NSYNC "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!" 

However, since I accidentally took a blogging break last week, I'm behind in updating you all on how moving and celebrating with my family went. So... here we go! Be ready for a nice picture dump.

Sunday- my last official day at St. Andrew

If you couldn't tell by my tweets and Facebook posts that morning, for at least the first two hours of the day I couldn't look at anyone in the eye without crying. I even told some people that I wasn't ignoring them, I just didn't want to start crying again.

But, they did have an awesome spread of food between services including this fabulous cake. 

The cake, and all of the other food, was fantastic! One thing you can never fault St. Andrew for is food. They know how to eat there.

They also gave me this beautiful poinsettia.

Also, you can't see it well in this picture, but Pastor Short wore this wig during his sermon when he was pretending to be Joseph. Basically, whenever I felt sad I would picture this in my mind and I would laugh.

 That afternoon, my mom and sister arrived to help me pack, and we had the Christmas pageant. (Which I wrote and helped direct.) Here is my fantastic cast:

 It was an emotional, but very good day. I am so grateful for St. Andrew and all of the support (and Starbucks gift cards!) they have given me over the last 5 1/2 years. I'm going to miss them, and all of my other friends in Cape, so much.

 Monday- Moving Day!

Yeah... that's my empty bedroom in my old apartment. Remember when I was first moving in there and it was a big fiasco? Sigh. Good times, good times. You can read about that story here and here. 

Basically the whole day was me running errands, us picking up the truck (which was another ridiculous fiasco), packing boxes, driving up to Chicago, and my saying a few final goodbyes. But, I did get a lead on a part-time job that day up in Chicago. Hooray!

Tuesday- Christmas Eve

Which turned out to be the coldest Christmas Eve in a decade according to the Chicago news. It was zero degrees when I woke up, and I had to go out into the cold to get orange juice and coffee cake for our breakfast with my sister and her fiance. I'm sure everyone in Missouri was laughing at me. 

However, we had a lovely Christmas Eve. My sister and her fiance came over for breakfast to exchange gifts and help unload the truck as well as hang out for a little while.  Also, don't my mom decorate the most beautiful tree?

I also must officially live in Chicago now because I received my first pieces of mail. Christmas cards from my friends!

That night Mom and I went to the candlelight service at the church where I grew up and my family are still members. I'll admit, I was nervous about going back and having to answer a lot of awkward questions about why I moved back and what I'm doing now. But I didn't have too many of those, and I even had a quick chat with my 8th grade teacher (who coincidentally was college roommates with the wife of a St. Andrew staff member). She was really supportive and said how we need to go after our dreams while we can. Then, our senior pastor had the most wonderful sermon about praising God and all he has done. It was one of the best Christmas Eve sermons I've heard.

Wednesday- Christmas Day!

AKA- the day my parents and I never get out of our pajamas. Ever.

We did get a light dusting of snow that night, so we can officially say we had a white Christmas.

 All we did was sit around the house, eat, open gifts, unpacked a bit, and watched Christmas movies. It was lovely after all of the crazy of moving. Lazy Christmases are my favorite because you aren't stressed about having to get to places and you can simply enjoy being with your family and soaking in all God has done.

Name that movie!

The Christmas Haul!

Since everyone else in blog land is doing it...

This one from one of my closest friends, and she got me some nail polish along with a fantastic bag/purse for books and tablets. I've been needing a good way to carry around my iPad for awhile now, so this was perfect!

From "Santa" I got a lovely Sephora eye-shadow palette that I can't wait to try out, sweaters and tops, leg warmers,leggings,  a head wrap to keep my ears warm, and a Barnes and Noble gift card.

Then, in the mail, Leah sent me a box of Starbucks k-cups for my Keurig and this pretty ring!

Overall, it was a good week. Christmas was wonderful and relaxing, and now the big move is over. I do get pangs of missing my friends in Missouri, but they've been texting me and my friends up here in Chicago have already been distracting me by going out to eat and catching up. Then this week my family and I are heading over to Indiana to see my mom's side over there for the New Year. I'm so excited to see them!

How was everyone else's week since I kinda disappeared and have no idea what's going on with everyone?

Thursday Morning Ramblings

While catching up on my favorite YouTubers this morning, I got inspired and decided to make a video today instead of writing. Enjoy! (And I apologize for the poor video quality - I was just using my iPad and the lighting in my apartment is awful.)

If you are reading this via email or another format where you can't see the video embedded in this post, click here, to go to my YouTube channel.

And here is the link to the John Green video I mentioned as I rambled on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u90dGnKhhlk

Out of the Youth Ministry Closet

Over the last several months of telling family, friends, and other people about my decision to leave youth ministry... I've had several different reactions.

One of the things I've learned, is that leaving ministry is much different than leaving other jobs. It affects the people around you, and it's almost as though you are leaving part of your identity behind.

Which is why I've learned that leaving ministry can be compared to coming out of the closet.

(Please note: I know that it is nothing like coming out of the closet. What I've experienced is WAY different and not as brave. However, I couldn't help but make the comparison. Also, this isn't a criticism on how people have reacted. Generally, everyone has been amazingly supportive. These are just some observations I've made.)

Some people think you are the bravest person in the world.
When talking to some friends, family members, and even co-workers, there have been people who are all:

"That's awesome!"
"Good for you!"
"That is so brave!"
"You should tattoo that!"

It's pretty empowering to hear people say these things.

Then there's the other end of the spectrum...
I've had people who have been completely shocked. They've argued with me about it, tried telling me why it's a bad choice, and have said "I support you, but I don't agree with your decision."

I guess you can't please everyone.

Others aren't surprised at all. 
Some of the people I'm the closest to saw it coming. Granted, there have been several conversations with my bulls-eye before making my final decision. Naturally, they knew. But there are others that when it came up they said it didn't surprise them. Not that I wasn't good at my job, but my announcement wasn't a big shocker.

While some are completely blown away.
They had no idea it was coming. They had always known me as the "youth ministry girl." From college on, this was exactly what I was going to. This was always my focus. When I announce that I'm thinking of doing something else, it totally catches them off guard.

It's telling people you're not who they thought you were.
As I said before, it's almost like changing part of your identity. Think about it. A pastor is Pastor Whatevertheirnameis. Not just their name. It's part of who they are. It's the same way in other aspects of ministry. I may not go by DCE or Youth Minister Emily, but ever since college it has been part of who I am. I was a DCE student. Part of my identity in college was what program I was in. I moved away from Chicago for my job. In the community I am in, I'm a youth minister. Even outside of my congregation, people know me as this. When sharing with people that God is pointing me in a new direction, it's a game-changer.

It is something I have had to go through as well though. For so long, I have used the "youth ministry" label to help identify myself.

Where do I go from here?

When people ask me what I do, that has always been  a part of it.

Or when I think about wherever I go next and going to a church - what do I do? Will I get involved? How will I volunteer? Will I be recruited to lead certain things? Will I want to lead them?

There are so many questions and thoughts going through my mind, as well as the minds of the people around me. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much and worrying more about other people's opinions than I should be. However, if I pretend my choices don't affect others I'm naive.

So here I am, out of the youth ministry closet, waiting for whatever is next.

A Brand New Start

Who knew that I would be grateful for Monday morning?
Yes... I still had to hit the snooze button about three times because my bed is just so comfortable and I was having an awesome dream about Castiel from Supernatural.

But as the morning has gone on, I am more and more happy it's Monday. Maybe it was the dream, maybe it's because on my drive to work this song came on (and I can't be in a bad mood after listening to it) or the Starbucks I was able to scrape up enough money for...

I think what it is though... is that it's done. The announcement is made, it's all happening.

Remember how last week I was asking for prayers and good thoughts and I was on an emotional roller-coaster?

It's because I quit my job.

Well... technically, I sent in my resignation letter.

This has been a long time coming - but most people didn't know about it. For a long time now, I have felt God whispering to me. Not a literal audible whisper, but nudgings and urgings. (I know this is a lot of "Christianese speak" and I apologize for that. I hate getting all into "Christianese" but sometimes there really isn't a better way to describe it.) I feel like God has been telling me that I've done what I needed to do in youth ministry, I did well, but it's time to move on.

It took me what felt like forever to make a decision. For months I prayed,, talked with friends and family, cried, and thought. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and which direction to take. I love the youth here, I love the families, and I don't want to leave them.

But I also know in my heart this isn't what God is calling me to do right now.

So, in early May, the day I wrote this blog post, I jumped off the ledge. I met with my senior pastor at Starbucks and we talked for a long time. We talked about what I felt God was telling me, where my passions are, how to approach the congregation, what my timeline would be, and everything about life. I am so grateful for that conversation. I went into it with shaking hands and worried about how he would react.

And he reacted as a friend, wanting to encourage me and help me find my calling.

We decided I would say through the remainder of the year. No one else can do what I do at the last minute during the summer with the youth, and I knew the months would fly by. August or September would be too soon for me to get things together.

So I am staying through December. It gives me time to job search, get things ready here at the church, and also wrap up loose ends.

All of the formal announcements came last week, and I am floored by the support I have been given. Everyone has been incredibly understanding. Parents have even approached me in helping me in my job search. It's all been so bitter-sweet. A mix of tears and excitement.

It was perfect timing because a lot of the college students were home for the weekend. One of them that I've known for a long time (she was an 8th grader when I started at this church!) came and talked to me for a while. She understood. She noted "This week must have been emotionally exhausting."

It really was. It wasn't bad, but emotionally exhausting.

So here I am, Monday morning. While there are elements of sadness lingering in the air, I feel relieved.

Everyone knows. No more secrets. No more big announcements.

I may have no idea where I am going next or what God's plans are for me. But at least it's the first day of a new beginning. A weights has been lifted off of my shoulders and I can move on.

I'm excited and scared. (Name that musical!)

And honestly... and it sounds awful... but it makes me excited for this blog and my writing. I'm going to be able to share with you all what I've been thinking and feeling over the last several months (if not years) which I haven't been able to before. Already, from the few blog/internet friends I've been able to share with I have gotten amazing amounts of support. You all get to be with me there on the journey. (And I'm getting a new blog design in the next few weeks - yay!)

So... here we go.

Bring it on,  Monday.

Confidence From a 14 Year Old Girl

This fall I've been leading a girls Bible study about self-image and identity. We have one week left, and last night our topic was beauty and taking care of ourselves.

The signs that it went well were:

1) I barely had to use my lesson plan

2) I barely had to talk

It was a small group of us, three girls and me. We started with talking about the high school's homecoming dance the night before and they showed me pictures of their dresses and dates. They were freshman, so their first fancy high school dance was a big deal. We then got into a discussion about taking care of ourselves, classy vs. trashy, and modesty.

That was when conversation took off. Once I started saying how I'm pro-modesty and not letting it "all hang out", but also how we can't let it control our lives, and how guys need to learn to control themselves... the girls eyes lit up.

"Thank you. That's what I've always thought too, but every time I go to a Christian and they talk about modesty, it's all about how the guys can't control themselves and I have to completely cover up."

(That's not an exact quote... but basically what the girls said.)

We talked about how it's okay to want to look pretty. There's a difference between being sexy yet elegant, and trashy. We discussed being confident and feeling good about what you're wearing - and it's okay to do that. We talked about how while caring about our looks shouldn't be our entire lives, our outer appearance can help other people see how awesome we are on the inside.

From there they moved onto testimonies they've heard at school about people and their faith. They talked about what and who inspires them. We dug into some of the harder questions about life.

The best part was that I barely had to say a word. A few things to get conversation started, or saying something that gave them permission to say what they were really thinking...

When I left it made me feel good about where these girls hearts were at. I'm always hearing about how people are so worried about this generation and how they are all falling away from the Church.

That's not true. If anything - these girls have a clearer idea of what it means to belong to Christ than I did at their age.

It looks different than what we're used to the Church looking like - and that's okay.

We're going to be just fine.

What If

We sat in our pews, side by side with our family and friends, dressed in our nice clothes, and waited. 

For the last four years of our college careers, we had been looking toward . . . but also dreading this day. 

Internship placement.

Stories Come to Life

While I was in Alabama last week, part of our team took a little field trip to Monroeville. We were pretty excited for a couple of reasons. One, it was nice to get away from the tiny town we were in and go back to a place with pavement and cell phone reception. Two, it is the hometown of Harper Lee and Truman Capote, and the inspiration for the book To Kill A Mockingbird.

Source

Special Words

Emily is off to Texas with a whole bunch of teenagers to go to a National Youth Convention event. 19 of them and her, I think I heard. On a bus, for a few days...fun, fun!

As a member of the church where Emily works and ministers, and as a writer, I was asked to write notes to some of these 20 people as they attended this event and travelled back and forth by bus. One of the fathers had the idea that a surprise note for each person attending this event every day would be a good encouragement to them. (I hope he is right. )

Photo Stories

Find Your Voice Week 2: Who Are You?

Creative Prompt - Picture Based
Take a series of photos that tells a story. Incorporate who you are into that story, try to add more than just who/what/where/when.

Stupid Rain

I made it! I survived my crazy week of Vacation Bible School and tech for Romeo and Juliet!

Friday was awesome and I was surprised at how many people I knew came to see the show. Even two of my youth and their family came to see me, which really meant a lot to me. From what I can tell, everyone who came to see the show loved it.

Then... Saturday happened. That afternoon I texted my friend and cast-mate Michael because he said he might need a ride to the show that night.

Fridays Letters

Dear God, I survived this week! HOORRAY!!!!!!!!!!! Somehow you were able to drag me out of bed every morning when I've had hardly any sleep, get me where I needed to be, and gave me enough energy to help with VBS and hours upon hours of tech rehearsals. All the while, using the VBS Bible points to show me (as you do EVERY YEAR) that the lessons we teach the kids are directly applicable to my life and exactly what I need to hear. And you invented the coffee bean, which also helped.

Wordless Wednesday - Almost

Some of the things I've been seeing during VBS this week...

Cortney- our lovely princess for the week!
And it's appropriate too since she just spent
a semester in Disney World!

It's Gonna Be A Long Week...

I'm not gonna lie, I'm slightly tired and stressed.

As in- I'm so freaking exhausted and I don't want to do anything and when I think about the upcoming week I want to run and hide.

It's 3:40pm on Monday, the first day of Vacation Bible School and tech week for Romeo and Juliet. While VBS went very well this morning, it was exhausting.

Especially when we suddenly got crazy thunder storms at 11am and they have been on and off all afternoon and will continue tonight and roads have been closed because of flooding.

Yeah... when you have 100+ kids in your church that's a good time.

It's also not helpful when you have outdoor play rehearsal. (Thus, it got cancelled.)

Tuesday Morning

It's 8am, I'm sitting in my office sipping my coffee, the sounds of "Today Will Be the Perfect Day" on the 8 Tracks Radio app (tags: morning + summer) is coming out of my iPad, and listening in on random conversations in the office as we prepare for the new vicar moving in (he'll be sharing my office, so it'll be interesting) and VBS training begins in an hour.

We're getting new cubicle dividers for my/the vicars office so I took down all of the notes, photos, and other various things off of my own "walls" to make way for the new. Now, when I spin my office chair around it looks oddly empty. At least the walls. My bookshelf, file cabinet, and floor are as crowded as ever.

I Agree With Sheldon Cooper

The conversation was innocent enough. We had been practicing outside on the stage for Romeo and Juliet for a couple of hours and had almost considered cancelling simply because we were spending as much time swatting at the bugs as we were reading lines. Even with bug spray  - the deep woods kind.

One of the actors suggested we all bring those candles that keep bugs away to our next outdoor rehearsal. I was silent for a moment, and they looked at me expectantly.

"I don't have one," I said simply. Although I know I should, mosquitoes eat me alive.

"You're a youth minister and you don't have one?" they asked, surprised.

I shrugged. "I like being inside. 'If the outdoors were so great why would mankind spend hundreds of years improving the indoors.' Sheldon Cooper."