What If

We sat in our pews, side by side with our family and friends, dressed in our nice clothes, and waited. 

For the last four years of our college careers, we had been looking toward . . . but also dreading this day. 

Internship placement.

At Concordia University Chicago, the Director of Christian Education program is five years. Four years of classes, then a year-long internship. You don't pick where you go. You're just told, and you go.

Unless you want to fail out of college - then don't go.

The numbers in my DCE class had dwindled as the years went on, but there we were. The small group of us who had made it to our internship year. Some had been there from the beginning, some of us had come in somewhere in the middle. But we were there... waiting to hear where we would be heading.

The entire semester I had been thinking of this day. Was I ready? There were so many people I knew ahead of me who had awful internships or had left the DCE ministry after only a year or two. Barely making it past graduation. If they couldn't hack it - what made me think I could?

Then, where was I going to go? Would I be stuck in a town and a church I hated? Would I be far away from my family and friends? Technically, the internship placement sites were top secret. But we had our ways of figuring out where they all were. Some seemed awesome - others... not so much. I had some suspicions of where I would be going. However, there was no guarantee. 

And where would I live? Was it an apartment, a house, or would I have a host family to live with for a year? Would I be able to handle finances with a tiny internship paycheck? Would people like me where I went? Would I make friends? Did they have good coffee wherever I was going?

I looked behind me at the rows of my friends, sitting in the back encouraging me. But some were missing. Where the he** were they? I look at my friends accusingly, as if they know where they are. They shrug and I turn back around and try to pay attention to the service.

Then... after what felt like forever... it was time, and slowly, each of us made our way up to the front of the chapel... 

When I get there my missing friends sneak through the door. They told me later that they could feel the tension building up in the room.

Then... it was my turn....

***

I had a hard time with this topic. Tell about a time you were afraid. It's not that I don't get scared. I do, just ask anyone who has seen a horror movie with me. Half of the time I'm watching Supernatural I'm curled up with my dog and a blanket terrified of what's about to happen. I'm a wimp. But nothing came to mind of a story I could tell. 

I think the times I really become afraid though is when I don't know what's going to happen. It's exciting because the possibilities are endless. I love having the doors wide open and not having a plan. It can be exhilarating.

But also terrifying.

What if things don't work out? What if I fail? What if I get too lonely? What if things never change? What if... what if...

What I'm listening to today: