Christmas Cards

To the right of my desk, I have a cork board. Through the year I pin up different memories I've had. Movie ticket stubs, favorite photos, programs from the theatre, etc. In December I clear it off, place all of the items in a box labeled for that year, and then begin placing new items up on the board. I put all of the Christmas cards I've received on first, so I have them up all year around.

Since 2017 is brand new, the only things, other than a couple wedding save the date cards, I see are Christmas cards. Having them sent to me through the month always makes me smile, and reminds me that I have more friends than I realize sometimes. I love see their life updates and happy faces looking out at me as I work on my computer on whatever project I have going at the moment.

Then comes the guilt.

Every year I intend to send out Christmas cards. I can find a favorite picture from the year, mail it out to my friends, and give them a quick update on my life.

But what would I say? What picture would I send?

"Merry Christmas! My dog Bandit is one year older this year. Isn't he adorable?"

Which... he is adorable and I'm sure people would love to see pictures of him.

Or maybe I could say "Look at how many books I've read this year! Isn't it so impressive?"

Which... yes, my 124 books I've read this year is impressive. But really?

When I see photos of exciting vacations, new babies, weddings, and job offers... these updates seem a little less than impressive.

It's a classic case of comparing myself to others, and the more I think about it, the more I delay gathering cards and addresses and sending them out. Then more Christmas cards arrive in the mail and the whole cycle begins again.

For the last 12 months, we've all been lamenting at how awful 2016 has been. Politics, deaths, terrorism, 2016 has been a doosey. It's sucked.

The thing is though, is that I've sucked too.

This isn't a statement of low self esteem or anything like that. I'm awesome and I have the potential to be awesome.

BUT I WAS NOT AWESOME THIS YEAR.

My 2016 started with my breaking my knee. Which, compared to some of my other injuries, it really wasn't that bad. I was in a lot of pain the first night, but by the next day it was tolerable and I didn't fill my pain killer prescription. I didn't have to stay overnight at the hospital, and I didn't have to have surgery. Yes, being out of work and not bending my knee for two months wasn't fun, but all things considered things could have been a lot worse.

For those two months I read. And read. And read. And read. Makes sense, since I didn't have anything else to do and couldn't walk.

Then my knee was healed and I went back to work. But I didn't return to the real world.

Instead, I just kept reading. I avoided hanging out with friends, and dove further and further into myself and my fictional worlds.

Part of this was also working on my novel - which I'm proud of. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Then, I learned that there is such a thing as writing too much. Apparently, for debut authors, literary agents won't even look at manuscripts which are over 700 pages long.

Go figure.

And that was my 2016 in a nutshell.

Not to say that these are bad things, and I did have some wonderful moments. I saw Hamilton in Chicago. I met many of my other Internet book nerd friends at BookCon and YallFest. I also met some of my favorite authors. (Becky Albertalli who wrote Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda now follows me on twitter, which is kind of awesome.) I went to weddings and was able to celebrate with my friends and family with their big moments.

Then the Christmas cards come. And I notice that my body is acting weird and randomly losing weight for no apparent reason. And I see people I haven't spoken to in years. And friends from college die. And the holidays have this weird way of forcing you to reflect on the past year and your life and everything that's wrong with it.

For me personally, I sucked.

I did not reach my full potential for awesome. And there's a lot of potential there. I want to get that awesome back.

I'm not going to stop reading and writing - obviously. That would be tragic if I did.

But I also need to make room in my life for all of the other awesome things and people around me too. I want to actually accept invitations from people when they want to hang out. I want to pay attention to my body and what it's telling me and be sure I take care of it. I want to actually talk to my friends instead of only reading about their lives through a Facebook status or the once a year card or letter I get from them in the mail.

And maybe, just maybe, next year I'll actually send out those Christmas cards to show you all how much I love you too.

Happy 2017.

An Apology to Old Friends

I've been noticing a trend in my Timehop app lately. As I scroll down through the years I notice the ones from my early years of Facebook. Do you remember those days? When we would actually write on one another's walls and have conversations that way? Not using Facebook messenger or tagging them. Actually writing on someones wall outside of the yearly "Happy Birthday!" message. Those early posts are filled with messages and notes and conversations from my college friends. About how we can't wait for the semester to start so we could see each other again or what we've been up to over the summer or making plans for the Weeks of Welcome staff. It's been making me nostalgic for my college friends.

On top of that, one of the college friends I have kept in touch with just moved away. It all came about quickly so I didn't have much time to process before she actually left. She'll be back in a few weeks for a wedding, but the fact remains, she and her husband won't be living here in Chicago anymore.

The same day she moved, some of my other college friends were in town. Originally, they were going to be at church with us, but then plans changed.

This made me realize what a terrible job of keeping in touch with people I've done in the years since graduating college.

I think of the core group of people I spent my time with and how important they were to me. We went to one another's weddings and drove across country to go, and texted and Facebooked, and back in the day AIM was our life saver during the summers. I swore we all would be friends for the rest of our lives and see each other all of the time after graduation.


But that hasn't happened.

I see people's Facebook updates and others whom I was friends with and how their lives have changed. People who seem to have similar situations as me where they left ministry or have had some of the same struggles with our Synod. I wish I had gone to them for support. While the end result may have been the same, at least I would have known I wasn't alone.

All of this is part of life and growing up and being an adult. We lose touch with some friends and we make new ones. I love the new friends I've made since graduating. But I notice how I've lost touch with those in Missouri as well, and I haven't been gone all that long.



Even the people who are here in Chicago, I notice I haven't been the greatest of friend to them since I've moved back. Yes, we see one another and all of that, or we go to church together every week, or hang out time to time, but I know I can do a much better job.

It makes me miss the girl from my Concordia days. Don't get me wrong, I love how I've grown and changed. I make more of an effort to be who God made me to be and not what others might think I should be. I love the group of online friends I've made through blogging and YouTube and the experiences I've had. There are a lot of ways I'm glad I'm not the girl I once was.

At the same time, she was much more dedicated to the people in her life. She made more of an effort. She had fun and didn't crawl into a hole as often or get anxious about social situations the way I do sometimes.

So, this is my apology to my friends of the past. Those from high school and college and Missouri with whom I've let go of. I'm sorry. I want to do better, and I don't know how I'll do better. But I want to. Please don't take my lack of keeping in touch as a lack of caring - because I do care.

Have other people noticed this as they've gotten older? How do you balance maturing and having new experiences, but still valuing the people from the past? How do you make time for people and keeping in touch? Do you ever feel like some of the ways you've changed aren't the best?

I'm also sorry I couldn't post pictures of everyone. Womp womp.

On Being Brave

I truly admire brave people. Those who are willing to step up and take a stand and risk it all. The people who can lay it all out there and be honest with everyone about their struggles The people who face discrimination every day and still walk out the door with their head held high. I admire those people. I wish I could be one of those people.

More often than not, when I do try to be one of those people, I end up blurting out something inappropriate or out of ignorance and it blows up in my face because I didn't think before I spoke. Therefore, causing more damage than doing good.

We're privileged to live in a time where we can witness some truly brave people. Among all of the battling, arguing, rioting, and fear, we can still see people standing out and reminding us there is hope. Taking down flags, getting married, embracing their true selves, or becoming the first African American woman to be a principal in a ballet company.

It's an exciting time to see the progress being made.

Friday morning I turned on my iPad to find rainbows flying across my screen with the news of the marriage equality ruling in the USA. People celebrating and turning their Facebook pictures into rainbows. For the first several hours, at least on my end of the Internet world, everyone was happy. Then of course, later, some of the backlash came.

I quietly retweeted one thing, and made a small statement on Facebook. Trying not to get noticed too much but also toeing the line of where I stood. Which, that in it of itself is annoying that we have to pick a side. No matter which side you pick, someone is going to think you're the bad guy. But that's another rant for another time. I liked a few comments and posts, but tried to stay relatively silent. The last time I had publicly stated something, there had been consequences and from then on I tried to be much more subtle about my opinions.

Later, a friend messaged me. We were in the same program in college and she figured out long before I did, that working in a church wasn't for her. We've talked in the past about how our views differ from most of those in the church and on Friday she thanked me for being so supportive of her opinions when she put them online. In turn, I told her I thought she was the brave one because she outright said her thoughts, while I just "liked" the comments.

The next day, one of my former college roommates changed her Facebook photo to be a rainbow. I'm not going to lie - I was surprised. She had always been more on the conservative and traditional side of things when we were in school. (I always respected her thoughts because I knew she had thought and prayed about them for a long time instead of just saying "That's how it's always been and I don't like change!") Then, as I thought about it and some of our conversations since graduating, it didn't surprise me all that much.

It got me to thinking. "If she can say something... maybe I can too." With that, I changed my Facebook picture too and braced myself for the backlash.

She and I talked after and we talked about our trains of thought on the matter and since we both are former workers for our Synod, some of the fears we had. Or, in reality, the fears I had. While I don't formally work in a church anymore, being vocal about opinions different than those in the church can be a scary thing.

She reminded me how the fears we have must only be a fraction of those who actually have been fighting for marriage equality, or haven't come out yet, or deal with the discrimination every day. She also encouraged me to be brave because "I bet there's more of us waiting in the wings!"

To be honest, I'm sure hardly anyone batted an eye at my Facebook profile. In fact, those who know me probably already knew my thoughts, or could at least guess.

All through high school and college I worked so hard at having the perfect Christian girl image where I read my Bible every day and upheld good values and sang my heart out in worship and had the perfect prayer for everything. Since then I've been letting go of that image and letting myself be me. Part of me wonders if I was the only one I was fooling.

But I figure, the least I can do is show my support for those who need it. Because, it's not about me. It's about showing them "Yes, I support you. I'm here for you while you fight the battle." Maybe, in a small way, I'm fighting it with them.

I'm still not the bravest person out there, and I probably never will be. In fact, in recent days I've admired a friend of mine who has been posting blogs putting it all out there about her emotions and past and I haven't even had the guts to tell her how much I admire it, and how I wish I was a better friend to her.

Through all of this, I've been thinking about a song from Hairspray. It was for the movie version and they sing it in the credits. "We've come so far but we've got so far to go..." While the musical mainly focuses on racism, the themes still apply to other rights as well.

We've all made so much progress in our country and in our world. (Did you know in Mozambique this week it is now legal to be gay? The USA isn't the only one making progress!) We should celebrate it and embrace it! If we don't, we'll get lost in hopelessness. But there's still a lot more to do. Let's all be brave, even if it is in our own quiet way. Then little by little, we'll keep making progress.

What I Loved This Week

Happy Friday!!!!!!!! I'm pretty excited because next week is my spring break at the preschool, so the arrival of the weekend is very much welcome.

Here's what I've found and loved on the Internet this week:

In the Blogosphere:

Susannah from Simple Moments Stick has launched her own Etsy shop!

Elizabeth at Oak and Oats has her last post in her Instagram photography series! This week she's talking about use of color.

Bonnie from The Life of Bon does a book club each month, and for March we read Yes, Please by Amy Pohler. It was AMAZING! Also, I'm co-hosting the book Unbroken with her for April. I can't wait! Then, she also wrote this fantastic post on authenticity.

Over at Donald Miller's blog, he had a guest blogger share how he finally "gets" why his son wanted a tattoo.

Jackie Jade from Jade & Oak shared some tips on how to make your blog stand out. 

I've been following the blogger Paul Agone for a long time now, and he has a book coming out! It comes out next month and you should pre-order it.

My good friend and former co-worker wrote a post about unfollowing people on social media, and it was completely perfect.

Amber from Mr. Thomas and Me wrote this beautiful letter to her husband this week and it made me swoon.

Nadine from East & Blog shared about her insecurities of wondering if she can accomplish her goals. Something I've been thinking about a lot too.

Brittany from Pines and Palmettos talked about how hard it is to make friends.

On the YouTubes:


In our video letters this week, I discussed making friends.  Then Laura shared her top 3 road trips ever.

A few weeks ago, my friend Katherine challenged us to make videos about self-worth. Sheryll had an AMAZING response in her video.  My response is here.

Patrick Pho did this awesome parody video with his car.

The fantastic Gary C did a wonderful video discussing forgiveness.

Christina of PolandBananasBOOKS had a book talk about We Should Hang Out Sometime by Josh Sundquist and I really think I need to read this book. Like... REALLY BADLY.

A Love Letter to Glee

Dear Glee,

I know it has been nearly a week since your final episode aired. If I had been a better blogger I would have planned ahead and posted this a week ago before the final episode. Or at least had it ready for Monday morning. But alas - I am not a good blogger. Just ask my readers. But please don't take this as any lack of affection.

I remember the first time I heard your cover of "Don't Stop Believin'." It was in the middle of the summer and I had taken the youth of small town Missouri on our yearly excursion to 6 Flags. It was the end of the day and we were waiting for a few of the teenagers to get off of a roller coaster so we could head home when I heard the "Da da da da da da da da Just a small town girl..." over the speakers. I thought "Is this some kind of new High School Musical thing? But that doesn't sound like Vanessa Hudgens. Huh." This wasn't an insult by any means. I love me some HSM.  Little did I know...

Don't judge readers, you know you love HSM  too. We're all in this together!

Flash forward a few months. I was talking with my friend Laura one day and she asked "Have you watched that new show Glee?" I told her I had heard about it and had been intending to give it a try, but just hadn't yet. She told me I had to watch it because this show was basically me as a TV show.

Poor Laura. She had no idea what was created because of that conversation.

What can I say about Glee now that it's over? I'm sitting here on a Thursday morning and I'm thinking to myself "Glee isn't on tomorrow night, what am I supposed to do now?" Those of us die-hard fans (Gleeks) have gone through a lot over the last six seasons. Ridiculous covers of songs, inconsistent writing at times, actors dying (CORY!!!! WAAAAAHHHH!), characters changing sexuality every time you turn around... yeah, you can say we've been through a lot. Let's be honest, not many of us have hung in there and lasted this long. But we are a fandom of endurance, let me tell you. But I love it.

Here are a few of the reasons I love you, Glee, so much (if you haven't seen the final episode

/season, consider this your spoiler warning):

- I was able to watch covers of songs from musicals - and it was "cool!" Glee let musical theatre take the spotlight and show people that yes, Broadway is pretty freaking amazing and you should love it too. 

- Actual Broadway performers were allowed to take the spotlight and make a name for themselves. Lea Michele, Matthew Morrison, Idina Menzel, Kristin Chenoweth, Johnathan Groff, etc. While some people may have heard of Idina and Kristin, but some of the others? Unless you're a Broadway nerd like me, they didn't get much attention. Now, because of Glee, they could take the spotlight and grace the world with their voices.

- I loved seeing their take on popular songs each week. I avoided watching/listening to the new songs before the episodes aired at all costs because part of the fun for me was being surprised at which song they would pull out of their pockets to somehow twist into the plot (sometimes it was perfect other times... not so much). I can genuinely say there are some versions of songs where I truly love the Glee version better than the original. 

I'm looking at you "Teenage Dream." Let's be honest - when Kurt walked into Dalton Academy and saw the Warblers and met Blaine for the first time, that cover blew us all away. THEN when they reprised it in season 4 with an emotional acoustic version? Beautiful.

Which brings me to my next point...

- Oh, hi there Darren Criss. 

For the record, I was a Darren Criss fan long before he was on Glee. I watched A Very Potter Musical and I remember being all "That guy playing Harry Potter is really cute. Wait... he plays guitar? Wait... he wrote the show? Wait... he covers Disney songs too???? WHO IS THIS AMAZING PERSON THAT I MUST MARRY SOMEDAY?"

Needless to say, when I saw he was going to be on Glee, I was pretty excited. Now, he gets to be on Broadway and basically do whatever he wants.

- But look at all of the other young actors/singers who got to have a chance! I loved being able to see new talent and letting them start their own careers. It'll be interesting to see where the rest of the cast ends up.

- I loved the humor of Glee. I loved how ridiculous it was and how they always made fun of themselves and the actors and plot lines and how it was just plain silly at times. I can genuinely say I literally LOL'd every episode.

- Sue Sylvester. Need I say more?

- Rachel Berry. I know not everyone liked her - and I get it. She was obnoxious and annoying and awful. But I loved her. I loved how much she wanted to be on Broadway and how she endured all of the bullying at school. I loved her drive. It was who I wished I was brave enough to be... just maybe a bit nicer. Especially towards the beginning. What I noticed though was how much I cared about her ending. 

In the last episode she sang a song written by Darren Criss (he actually wrote it FOR her and had always wanted to write a song specifically for Lea Michelle) called "This Time." It was beautiful. I remember thinking about Rachel and my thoughts about her character. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to succeed on Broadway. I wanted her to learn and grow as a person. Then I realized - which guy she ended up with was the last thing on my mind. I cared to an extent, but not really. 

I was Rachel and Finn all the way, don't get me wrong. But in a weird way, Rachel without Finn was almost a good thing. It's rare when the main female character in a major TV show can walk away at the end and her love life isn't necessarily at the forefront of your mind. 

For the record, the more I think about Rachel and Jesse St. James ending up together the more I like it. I had always wondered what it would be like if they actually gave them a chance. I could write a whole blog post for that. But I'll spare you. That's what Tumblr is for.

- And finally, since this blog post is long enough and people who don't care about Glee quit reading long ago, your message of love and acceptance. Yes, at times it was cheesy. Sometimes you were off point. There were topics and issues you could have handled better. But it all came from a place of innocence and wanting people to accept each other for who they are. So many fans were inspired by the diverse cast and the many messages this show gave. 

I think Sue Sylvester said it best in the last episode. She was talking to Kurt and Blaine, and she said how she may not have always agreed with them, or how they went about things. BUT, it got conversation going and she didn't even know she had an opinion about certain things until she met Kurt and Blaine.

That's what's important I feel like. You don't have to agree with everything. You don't have to like how people go about things. But it got you to think, didn't it? It got conversation going. Conversations we need to have.

So, thank you Glee. Thank you for the music, characters, crazy plots, and helping us all to get the conversation going and learn to love and accept one another.

Love,

Emily

Making Friends is Hard

Over the weekend I went to a wedding. It was a lot of fun - but it got me to thinking about making friends and being in social situations as an adult vs. when we were younger or in college. I shared my thoughts in my weekly video to Laura this week:

Things I Loved This Week

I decided I wanted to try and share some of my favorite posts and links I've found throughout the week. Other bloggers do this periodically and I used to share other people's blogs and posts all of the time. For some reason... I just stopped. So, starting on Monday, whenever I found something I really enjoyed I copied and pasted the link to this blog post. Enjoy!

In the Blogosphere:

Kirstie from Melbourne on my Mind, did a review/recap/fangirling over Jupiter Ascending:  http://www.melbourneonmymind.com/2015/03/movie-monday-jupiter-ascending.html

Nadine from East &, shared how to find your "creative sweet spot": http://eastandblog.com/2015/03/how-to-find-your-creative-sweet-spot/

Amanda of Musical Poem, is giving away Evian facial spray!:  http://musicalpoem.me/2015/03/09/why-every-makeup-bag-needs-a-facial-spray/

Elizabeth from Oak and Oats is doing this fantastic series on phone photography (specifically Instagram) and did a great post on lighting: http://www.oakandoats.com/2015/03/lighting-instagram.html

Taylor of The Daily Tay did this really funny, but also kinda adorable "Boy Behind The Blog" post:
http://www.thedailytay.com/2015/03/the-boy-behind-blog.html

On the YouTubes:

In my letter to Laura this week I had some of our college friends say hi:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIV7KwjSPss

In Laura's letter to me this week, she went to the mall: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsojeVpol9c

The family who runs the Epoddle channel did a great video about little kids and how they mispronounce words: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wy5Hg2QbnQg

My friend Sheryl did the #Fail Tag!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5NGhxS5EUA

And finally, my friend Stephen is doing some rebranding for his YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itOyoIGB7pc

What have you been loving on the Internet this week?

Created to Create Together

This past weekend, after church, two of my friends and I went over to the main campus (the service we attend is at a movie theatre, then our church has a traditional church building we call either the "main" or "north" campus) to meet with the music director to rehearse for the next week's service. My two friends had sung for worship services in the past, and last month I had played my ukulele. Our music director was excited to get all of us together to play one day.

What happened that afternoon was magical. Granted, it could have been several factors. The fact we are all good friends and have known each other for years probably played into it. We know each other well, act ridiculously silly around one another, and have no qualms about spending an extra few hours away from home to hang out. It was also daylight savings time, so we were all still sleepy and yet on our second, third, or maybe even fourth cups of coffee. It also could have been that we've all been playing and singing music for years. While I may have only been playing ukulele for a little over six months, I've been playing music since I was nine. I'm sure the other women in our little foursome have similar stories.

We laughed, had fun, played, sang, and bounced around ideas. The singers blended together so well we couldn't tell who was who. We threw another instrument into the mix. Someone suggested different riffs to play in instrument solos. Different harmonies were added in.

Our music director was so excited she said, "this is what being in an actual band is like. Working together, making your own arrangements, being creative."

It was exciting. Most worship teams are only able to get the songs, maybe have one or two rehearsals before Sunday morning, then lead the congregation. (In fact, the first time I played for my church I was only able to rehearse the morning of.) Nothing is wrong with this. The purpose of the worship team is to lead the congregation in singing and worship. That's what matters.

But, being able to truly collaborate and having the opportunity to create something great, it's a gift.

Earlier that morning, one of the points our pastor brought up having the Spirit of the Lord in us and how part of that is having the God who created everything in us. A Spirit of creativity. It's a topic I tend to think about a lot, so it was nice to hear one of my pastors having the same thoughts.

There's a lot of wonder and thought about what it means to be "created in God's image." In Genesis, when it says God created man, it says, "Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness" (Gen. 1:26). It's confusing because it's not about what we look like. It's God... he doesn't necessarily look like anything. So what does it mean we're made in his image?

I have two ideas of what it could mean. The first is what one of my professors in college would say. The "us" in the verse, is the Holy Trinity. (Father, Son, Holy Spirit.) Not just a single aspect of God. All three parts of him. Also, God is love. We're made to be in relationship with others and to love and to have those part of us. We're created to be in community.

I also think we're created to create. The entire Bible begins with God being creative. Making things. Thinking stuff up that hadn't been there before. God invented creativity. I think he put that spirit in us as well.

So, imagine what it's like when you put the two things together.

So many times we think of the creative process being a solitary one. Especially for writers. Locked up in a cold room somewhere (maybe in Paris) with fingerless gloves typing away at the keyboard until their masterpiece of a novel is completed. Which, maybe for some writers that works. I believe one of the Bronte sisters (forgive me for not remembering which one right now) was in fact incredibly solitary but was able to create a beautiful piece of literature.

But for most of us, I don't think it always works that way.

As we were rehearsing on Sunday, we were working on this one song "Because He Lives (Amen)." It's a newer song and two of us had only played it once the previous month. It was a great song. There was something about it which brings everyone in. My friend then noticed who had written it.

It had been a collaborative piece. When she looked at all of the names, they were the names of the greats. The people who had changed the game of worship music back in the 70s and started the whole contemporary worship movement. There were names of musicians who are still changing the game now. They all had come together to write this song.

Amazing things happen when creative people get together to make something.

It's why I get so excited for my writing dates with friends so we can help each other with our novels and bounce ideas off of each other. It's why so many bloggers and YouTubers love to do collab projects with other people. It's why I think I'm in love with listening to covers of popular songs or mash-ups of pieces of music. Or when I worked in the church office we would take over each others offices and sit for a while and just brainstorm ideas for the pastor's sermon or a Bible study or class we were getting ready for.

Yes, sometimes we need to be creative alone. I can't have someone write my novel or my blog posts for me. An artist can't hand over their paint brush and let someone else do it for them.

But ultimately, I think part of how we were made is so we could be creative together. Even if you don't have the same faith or theology as I do, you have to admit, something magical happens when creative people get together to make something.

The Struggle is Real

I'm sitting there at lunch with friends and we're talking about life. What we're planning to do in the future, what we're up to now, etc. A typical lunch. Then, I mention my blog and my YouTube channel.

"So, what do you make videos about?"

"Uh... well....um... you know... stuff...."

"Oh, okay. What do you blog about?"

"Uh... um... other stuff..."

Does anyone else have this problem? 

I love blogging and vlogging. I love creating content and putting it out there on the Internet and making friends and connecting to new people and seeing what others have created. Even if sometimes it is just silly tag posts or beauty product reviews and fangirling. But, when people "in real life" ask me about it, I never know what to say. It's not that I'm embarrassed about what I do. I want others to see what I see. 

I am incredibly blessed to be surrounded by a lot of talented people. As I've gotten older and I look back at my life thus far, I've noticed this is a trend. All through high school, college, and now my 20s, I am always being surrounded by people are good at what they do. Not just good - they excel. People who are highly intelligent and travel off to other countries to study math. Not just because it's their major. Because they simply feel like it. Or people who not only sing, dance, and act, but also are the MVP on sports teams and get some of the highest grades in our high school graduating class. People who have the voices of angels and write the most beautiful music and let me listen in on them create. People who could have gone to Broadway but chose to make a life for themselves and their family in the midwest. People who can draw and design and publish. People who are dancers and teach others how to do it too. People who can speak words of truth in front of so many others and inspire them.

These people inspire me. I love being around them because they help me to want to excel at what I do. I love seeing their talents and using them to help others and pursue their own dreams. 

But then I get self-conscious about what I do. My little blog and my little YouTube channel that I love. I can't help but wonder if others will look at them and not understand. 

Because I'll never be one of the "big" bloggers. And I'm okay with that. 

I'll never make money off of my blogs or videos. I tried that, and I wasn't good at it, and I didn't like it. So, I don't want to try anymore. 

Sometimes I get free books to review for the blog - and that's pretty cool.

My YouTube channel will most likely never go viral and remain a small one.

I'm okay with these things. But, sometimes I wonder what others think when I show my social media projects to them. Or even when I do community theatre plays and musicals. I love doing it and I think it's fun. But I also know it's community theatre. It's never going to be big professional productions. My friends who do these things professionally always say they want to come see me, but I'm always "It's just community theatre! Don't expect much!" 

I know I shouldn't care so much about the opinions of others. I shouldn't be self-conscious about it. If I love what I'm doing and I'm proud of the job I've done, that should be enough. And honestly, this is all coming from myself. My friend who want to know what I do and come see me in shows and read my blogs and such just want to be supportive. Because they're amazing people like that! But, for some reason I still shy away. 

Does anyone else have this problem when people they know "in real life" want to see your blogs, vlogs, or other things you create?

Linking up with Mingle Monday!

I Don't Have my **** Together

I had an emotionally rough weekend. I know exactly why, and it was stupid. I can even pinpoint the moment it started.

It was playing the comparison game. It's so easy to do, isn't it? Seeing what other people have in life and what they've accomplished and being all "why don't I have that?" Whether it's jobs, relationship status, having kids, working out, accomplishing goals, going on vacations - there's so many things we can think about and wonder why some people get what we want and we don't have it.

What didn't help was my reading. One, I've been working through The Assassin's Blade by Sarah J Maas and it's the set of pre-quel novellas to the Throne of Glass series. Holy cow- so many emotions! I've been avoiding reading the last one because I know what's going to happen and I'm dreading it. Seriously, authors, why do you think we are emotionally stable enough to handle these things? Come on now.

To take a break from it, I was reading Attachments by Rainbow Rowell for The Book Worms. It is one of my favorite books written by her and I loved every moment of it. Except, you know, when it was making me horribly depressed. Which is odd because this is probably the happiest of her books. (It really is happy - I promise!) What got to me is that the main character Lincoln, I could relate to far more than I care to admit. At the age of 28 we seemed to be in the same place in life and not sure where to go next.

I mean... what did I do with my weekend? Developed a crush on a fictional character in between mourning my own life. No joke, If that guy, Lincoln, was shorter and you know... not a fictional character and an actual real life person, I'd totally date him. But noooooooo. In the book there's a short blonde hair girl named Emilie whom he's not remotely interested in even though she has a crush on him. (No joke. It's true.) At least I spell my name the right way! What do you have against us girls named Emily who are short with blond hair Rainbow Rowell? What did we ever do to you????

Let's just say there even included a little emotional freak out while I sat at Starbucks before church on Sunday where I was texting a friend of mine about my life woes while trying not to cry in public. Thinking about how I have no idea what I'm doing, I don't know where I want to go, and how I thought at this point I would have a better idea of both. How even when I have the best of intentions nothing seems to turn out the way I planned or the way it should. That's always a good time...

When I got to church I was able to get myself together and was able to see some friends I haven't seen in a few weeks. It was wonderful. Even though I didn't talk about what was bothering me, I knew they wouldn't have minded if I had talked about it, and just seeing them again was enough to help me get out of my funk for a bit. Amazing how friends can do that.

Then, when the service started, we read Romans 7:15- 25. It's a passage I've always found comforting.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that noting good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God- thought Jesus Christ our Lord!

I know... it's kind of negative. But do you know why I find it so comforting? Because it's of the "big guys" of the Bible saying "I don't have my shit together."

How he wants to do awesome things but keeps screwing it up.

It's what all of my friends have been telling me. That none of us have it together. Which, I don't know why it didn't click until I read this in church. But oh well. That's life, right?

But it's true. NONE OF US HAVE OUR SHIT TOGETHER.

For a majority of people, life isn't what they thought it would be. We've make mistakes. We screw up good things. We aren't where we want to be.

But we get through it.

In Attachments, Linclon's sister Eve gives some great advice when he gets overwhelmed by wanting to fix everything in his life.

"So, what if instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow."

Found this on Tumblr: http://damecatoe.tumblr.com/post/99410322877/what-if-instead-of-thinking-about-solving-your

So... I might not have it together. But I can at least try to let my pile of good things grow, right?

Like what you're reading? I've actually begun my blog email list! (Finally.) It includes a short little note from me, a quote or thought for the week, and updates on my life and the blog. Click here to join.

Also, linking up with Mingle Monday today!

Speak Up! | Heart

It's the first Friday of the month! Which means it's time to link up with Amber and Annie for Speak Up, their monthly vlog link-up. This month's topic is "heart."

I had no idea what I was going to talk about, then it all kinda just spilled out of my mouth. This video started as 23 minutes long - so there was A TON of stuff cut out to make it only 10 minutes. Haha. I'm working on trying to keep them short though!

In my video I talk about Hozier's song "Take Me to Church," say "ass" while discussing theology, and share my coffee/tea dilemma.

What are your thoughts? I'd love to hear them in the comments. Or, even better, make your own video and link up!

I'm also linking up with the Faith and Fellowship Blog Hop!

12 Lessons I've Learned From Disney

So.... over the weekend a friend of mine posted some not so nice things about Disney. Their feelings about Disney are not a shock to me. They've posted and ranted and raved about Disney many times in the past. Usually, I try to ignore these posts. This time though... it just hit me the wrong way and I cannot stay silent any longer.

I won't quote their entire post in here. Basically, they said they hate Disney, they are evil, brainwash children, the films aren't good, they have no integrity, blah blah blah. 

It's not a secret I love Disney. I completely adore Disney and sing the songs on a regular basis and I'm pretty sure I'm going to go watch Frozen later today or at some point this week because there's snow everywhere and just... I have to.

I won't deny Disney has it's flaws. There's lack of diversity (which they are slllllooooowwwwwlllly working on and there's more diversity than people realize), the whole "let's marry a man we just met!" thing, characters who don't look realistic, etc. 

I mean... I can't tell you how many times I tried to do this in the swimming pool in the summer and my hair never did the cool flippy thing like Ariel's.

CLEARLY DISNEY YOU GAVE ME UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS ABOUT HAIR AND NOW I AM SCARED FOR LIFE AND BRAINWASHED HAVE A BAD IMAGE OF MY BODY BECAUSE OF THIS OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

...

...

Really? It's a cartoon. Life will never be like cartoons and photo-shopped super models and actresses and musicians and other forms of media are more than likely have more of an impact on our negative than you know... A CARTOON. Can we all just agree on this? Okay, cool. Moving on.

Therefore, in defense of my beloved Disney, I'm going to share with you the top 12 lessons (in no particular order) their movies have taught me. Also - an excuse to use a million Disney GIFs is always good in my book.

1) If you meet a man whom everyone swoons over, but he thinks girls shouldn't read or think, you should run far far away as fast as you possibly can.

2) Disney learns from their mistakes and are adjusting their stories to fit our culture more and to promote positive life choices. Such as not marrying a man you just met.

3) Not everyone is perfect. We make bad choices and have issues and have troubles we need to get through. But we can still have love and fight through them.

 4) Friendship is beautiful.

5) We need to look past our differences and learn to make peace. Even when everyone seems to be against us.

6) Sometimes, the relationships which are the most destructive are the ones which are the hardest to break from - but you DO have strength and you CAN stand up for yourself.

7) Love sometimes means sacrificing yourself.

8) #likeagirl

9) It's when we are truly ourselves we can love others and be loved back.

10) The past hurts, but we can't let it define us. Instead, learn from our mistakes and do something about it.

11) Never stop dreaming - but that doesn't mean we just sit around and wait for it to happen.

12) There is no perfect family. Some families are big, some small, some have both parents, some one, some none, some several, but they're still beautiful.

Also, I love this set of images I found on Pinterest. 

 

 And if you don't like Disney and think less of me because I love them... your loss.

I am a princess. Long may I reign.

What have you learned from Disney? Who is your favorite character? Favorite movie? Quote? Share your Disney love!

Happy Snow Day!

Because when you have the opportunity to start the week riding in on a majestic lion, you take it.

Happy Monday everyone!

In case you haven't heard, Chicago is buried in snow. It started to snow Saturday night and it didn't stop until early this morning. When I woke up on Sunday, my back porch looked like this:

Then, this morning when I woke up, it looked like this:

According to the Internet, Chicago was hit with about 19.3 inches of snow. This made it the 5th largest storm we've ever had.

Therefore, schools are closed and I'm enjoying a relaxing Monday morning before hitting the pavement again tomorrow. It's far too exhausting to complain about the snow and to get upset about the cold and winter, so, I'm choosing to enjoy it while I can. Besides, I have a feeling tomorrow at the preschool we might attempt to build a snowman. Who doesn't love that?

Anyways, I have a ton of posts planned for the blog in the upcoming weeks. Including a video of what I read in January and what I'll read in February, some new projects, talking about Disney, linking up with Amber and Annie for their monthly "Speak Up!" vlog link-up on Friday (the topic is "Heart"), and maybe some other things too! Maybe I'm getting my blogging mojo back?

In the meantime, here is my latest video on my new collab YouTube channel where I'm not very happy with YouTube...

And... FINALLY... the original video I was trying to post today is up. GEEZE YOUTUBE.

I also will now be making all of my exits via "The More You Know" star.

Thank you Katy Perry for giving us the opportunity to have such amazing GIFs.

I'm also linking up with Mingle Monday today!

Questions Questions Questions

Not too long ago I was tagged in the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award by my friend Kirsti! So, I figured... why not join in on the fun? Thanks so much Kirsti!

Guidelines:
1. Thank the blogger that nominated you and link back to their website.
2. Post the award’s logo on your blog.
3. Answer the ten questions you have been asked.
4. Nominator ten other bloggers and ask them ten other questions.

Then, I give myself the following rule with questions like these: I can't answer anything with Harry Potter. Because obviously I could probably find a Harry Potter answer for each one.

Your questions are as follows:

1. What's your favourite Harry Potter book? (Come on, everyone has one)

Okay... this one is the exception to my rule because it's actually about Harry Potter.

UGH I have to choose just ONE?????? There are a few it could be. I love Goblet of Fire with the tournament, Harry and his friends transitioning more into being teenagers and the books start to become more mature, it's the changing point of the whole series, Cedric Diggory is in it, Draco turns into a ferret... what's not to love?

Then I also love Half Blood Prince. It was the perfect mixture of being hilarious but also serious and sad. We learn so much about Voldemort and his past and we learn about horcruxes and all of the things with Snape! But there's also all of the stupid high school relationship drama which cracks me up and I can't stop laughing.

But I have a tender spot for Deathly Hallows too because it's the end! I love how it all wrapped up and the epic conclusion - even the epilogue! I know... it's a controversial stance to have, but I LOVE THE EPILOGUE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!

2. What's the book/series that everyone raves about but you just didn't get?

The first one that came to my mind was Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell. Don't get me wrong - I like the book. But everyone seems to have this one as their absolute favorite by her and it's my least favorite. I think a big part of it was that I was expecting something really fun and light and it definitely wasn't... but I enjoyed her other books much more.

3. Which real world places do you want to visit because of a book?

London. Paris. Although I think I already wanted to go to said places but reading books just made me want to even more. 

4. What bookish merchandise are you dying to get your hands on?

Well... I really need a new bookshelf. I've been able to rearrange my shelves a few times and at the moment my books are fitting. But I know it won't last much longer.

5. What's your most anticipated book of 2015?

It's a toss between Winter and Fairest. But they're part of the same series... so it's hard to pick which one I want more. In Fairest, it'll be so fascinating to learn more about the queen. But Winter is the conclusion of The Lunar Chronicles and it's Snow White! Snow White is my favorite fairy tale!

6. Which book character do you wish you could be best friends with?

I would love to be friends with Edward Zanni from How I Paid for College by Marc Acito. He's hilarious and we would have epic musical theatre duets.

7. What's the last book you gave five stars to?

Oh! I just finished Mortal Heart by Robin LaFevers. It's the third book in the His Fair Assassin trilogy and it was completely perfect. 

8. Which secondary character do you wish would get their own book?

ZUZANA from Daughter of Smoke and Bone trilogy. She's the actual best ever and I love her and her boyfriend so much!


9. Which author, alive or dead, do you wish you could meet in person?

Rainbow Rowell. From what I can tell from her Twitter account, she and I would be really good friends.

10. How many books do you own?

I actually kinda know the answer to this one because I'm a nerd like that and keep a record of all of the books I own. Yeah... I'm  a nerd. As of my last inventory I own 375 books. That's not including the ones down in boxes in my basement that I never unpacked. Those are mainly the youth ministry type books which were in my office back in Missouri.

Now, it's my turn to tag people and ask them questions! My questions are...

1) What is one of the most underrated books/series you've ever read?
2) What's your favorite holiday story?
3) If your pet wrote a story about the holidays, what do you think it would be about? If you don't have a pet, pick your favorite animal.
4) Tell me about your favorite classic story/book/movie.
5) What are you looking forward to in 2015?
6) What's your favorite holiday dessert? (Can you tell I'm in a holiday mood?)
7) Which fictional character do you think you are the most like?
8) What is your latest Netflix binge?
9) Who are your favorite YouTubers? If you don't watch much YouTube, share bloggers, Tweeters, Instagramers, etc.
10) What's your current background on your laptop/tablet/cell phone?

And I tag... (Even though I know most of them probably won't do it... but I don't care!)

Amber of Mr. Thomas and Me
Dana of Princess Burlap
Angie of Sailor July
Michelle of Wide Open Spaces
Brittany of Stories, Songs, and Praise
Amanda of Musical Poem
Anne of GeekBrarian

Okay... that's all I got. I know I'm supposed to do ten, but oh well.

Also, I've been awful about keeping you all updated on my YouTube channel and my doing Vlogmas. Here's the whole playlist of what I have done so far!