If you want, you can read the post here. It turns out, a lot of my single friends (and some of my married friends, actually) really resonated with this post. One of my friends who was part of the conversation added this:
YES!
The long answer?
When I was 13 I started to read The Christy Miller Series. Spoiler alert: in the end, Christy marries the guy she fell for when she was 14 just after she graduates college.
When I was in high school, I started going to a youth group where most of the leaders were college students who went to a conservative Christian university in downtown Chicago. Most of them also dated each other and got married soon after graduating college.
I had friends from youth group who went away to a Christian college in another part of the country. They were there one year and got engaged at the age of 19. Apparently, so many people were getting engaged at this school it was becoming an "epidemic" and couples had to get approval from the university to get married.
At the end of the summer after my senior year of high school, and I was preparing to leave for Concordia (a small, conservative, Lutheran university), I visited another youth group where some of my friends with. One girl told me: "Emily, I just know you are going to meet your husband in college."
I then go to Concordia. As a naive, impressionable, Jesus-loving, 18 year old girl, I got one message pounded into my brain:
YOU ARE GOING TO MEET YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND AT FRESHMAN CAMP!!!!!!!!
This was written all over the sidewalks and on posters around campus. I'm not even joking. Freshman camp is the weekend before classes begin the fall semester. Granted, the Orientation, Transfer, and Camp staffs (O-staff, T-staff, and Camp Staff) all told us they wrote those things in jest. However... it kind of wasn't a joke.
Through the next four years I saw countless students dating each other freshman year and then getting a ring put on their finger by junior or senior year. Heck, when I was 18, I was in a play where one of my cast mates got married over Christmas break. We would always joke around about getting our MRS degree at graduation. My sophomore year I lived on a small floor filled where a majority of the girls were (A) engaged, (B) in a serious relationship, or (C) pregnant.
The message that you had to get married to your college sweetheart because that's what good Christian girls do was loud and clear.
So where would that leave the girls on campus, like myself, who always found themselves boy-friendless? My single friends and I had countless conversations about waiting for the right guy, how God has a plan, and learning how we need to "give our singleness to the Lord". Sometimes we even put on a very convincing facade that we were 100% okay with being single in a sea of engaged couples.
But it wasn't OK.
I just can't help but wonder why this is such a big trend in conservative Christian circles. Nothing is wrong with marrying young. Heck, I grew up in the Boy Meets World generation where Cory and Topanga were the ideal couple.
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Looking back, I'm glad I never dated any of the guys I was interested in at Concordia. Not that they weren't great guys, they were, and some I am still friends with. But I remember when I was 18 I thought that if I dated one of them that I would have to marry him. That's completely ridiculous. Why this pressure to marry right away? What if that's not God's plan for you? What if you never marry? What if you marry after the age of 25? (Yes - in some circles being 25 and single makes you an old maid.) Does this make you a "bad Christian?" Does this make you less of a person? Does it mean that married = happy, and single = unhappy? I don't think so.
I also feel like most people would agree with me.
So why this trend? I would love to hear your thoughts.
*Please note, that this is not a bash against Christy Miller, the youth leaders I had in high school, Concordia, or people who marry young. Christy Miller is one of my all time favorite book series. My youth leaders helped me grow in my faith in so many ways. I had an awesome college experience. I have several close friends who married young and are amazing people whose friendships I would never want to loose.
I think you know my take on this but let me say this...single=single. Married=married. Happy or unhappy have nothing to do with marital status. You can be blissfully single and doing the Lord's work or you can be miserably married. Which would you prefer? We wait for God's will, not our own, trusting his providence over our lives. But yes, the perspective is that you find your man in college but realize it comes from the previous generation wher that was even more true. It is less true today than every before so the "trend" is shifting as more women are waiting for marriage until later in life. God knows you best, let him lead.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see that this trend is dying down at bit at CUC. Not that marrying young is a bad thing - it's not at all! But I do hope that the pressure is starting to dwindle a bit. And yes, we need to trust that God is leading us and just follow his plan.
DeleteSo, I went to a Catholic university, but at least in this way I don't think it was like conservative Christian colleges. Even though I did meet my future husband my freshman year (under much protest and arguing with God on my part). Then again, I got out of the super-Catholic circles pretty early on, so I may have missed this.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand... the summer after my freshman year of college, I worked on summer staff for Group Workcamps, which runs mission trips for middle and high school students across the U.S. It's all college students who are put into these teams of four and travel the country together for the summer running these camps with local adult volunteers. Anyway. One of the girls on my team was in her third year of summer staff, and she had met her boyfriend-soon-to-be-fiance during their first year of summer staff. She told us the same thing, how it's this "epidemic" and every year there are weddings of people who met during summer staff. And I do think that's kind of a dangerous mythology to spread about an organization or a college or whatever because then people feel pressured to find their future spouse among that year's staff. I was already dating Mike at that point, and the other girl on our crew was already engaged, so we were thankfully pretty immune to it, but I'm sure I would have gotten sucked into the hype otherwise.
I don't know what it is, exactly. Maybe it's that we have this idea that "nice, Christian boys" are so hard to find generally, so when they're all concentrated in one place they get snapped up immediately? I wonder how guys think about this, if they feel the same kind of pressure to find their spouse at Christian colleges.
I can also relate to how it feels to have everyone pairing up around you, because that's how things were for me in high school. My best friend met her husband sophomore year of high school, and most of my other friends were in long-term relationships for most of high school, so it definitely made me feel like the odd one out, or that there was something wrong with me. I think it's hard to feel "normal" or "right" in any situation where everyone around you is having an experience that you're not having.
Whew! Long comment! Sorry! :)
The impression I've had is that Catholic schools don't get into some of the "typical" trends of Christian universities. I don't know why, but that's just my observation and I could be totally off. And that does happen a lot with camp staff. I know Group is a bit different, but I know of a lot of friends who work at summer camps and have those camp relationships... it's crazy! I can see your point about how all of the "good Christian guys" are lumped up together so they get taken right away. I never thought about it like that before!
DeleteI heard the same thing about FOCUS missionaries at my (Catholic) college, and actually had a friend tell me about how great it would be to meet her husband while serving as a FOCUS missionary.
DeleteOh Camp romances... sometimes they make me laugh actually.
DeleteYeah, I agree. Before coming to uni, the idea of getting married so young was ridiculous to me. My parents married at about 29 so I grew up figuring that was normal. When my youth leader got married at 23 I thought that was insane. Then I got to (a non-Christian) uni and 20 year olds in the Christian Union were engaged and I thought it was absolutely mental.
ReplyDeleteBut over the last 18 months of being here I've pretty much internalised the view that you have to be engaged by the time you graduate. And I hate it. I know it's wrong. It puts so much pressure on you. Every time I meet a Christian guy, or get to know one a little better, I start sizing him up wondering if he's going to be the one I'll marry. And I get disappointed when I notice the reasons why he won't be.
Would definitely like to hear some guys' takes on this.
My parents got married a little older too, so I hear ya on that one. So sometimes I wonder why I let myself get sucked into the mindset of having to marry young. But isn't it crazy the pressure they put on you at some schools? I did the same thing. Thankfully it wasn't too bad because so many of my friends were guys. But I remember looking at a lot of guys who would be "new" on campus and be all "Hey! He's still single, maybe he's the one I'm supposed to date?" And then he wouldn't be and I got all disappointed ... so yeah. I hear ya girl. Hang in there!
DeleteOK! One of my guy friends chimed in on Twitter. (We actually went to the same university, so he knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about.) He says:
ReplyDelete"The typical CUC couple gets married as quickly as possible because they want to . . . you know. They want to do "that one thing" so bad but look acceptable to God and their peers. Hence the high divorce rate in America. It makes me sick, it's almost like "Look at me, I'm an adult because I'm married!" As parents continue to support them..."
(He tweets at @MikeStricker86 in case any of you want to find him. Although he does have a girlfriend ladies!)
I've always embraced your mindset here. Although it wasn't always easy growing up in a Christian community. I somehow knew I wouldn't get married young, and wanted to get some life in first :). I'm twenty five now, and half a year into my first real relationship with someone who loves God with all his heart. I love that God gave me this opportunity, but I'm glad I chose to stay away from those expectations, and a Christian university or two. Great post! A real genuine issue in our Christian communities, for sure.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! It's really encouraging to hear women who have been in those circles and have gone through the same thing. While I know there are A LOT of us out there, it's always nice to hear that we aren't alone! And that's so awesome about you and your boyfriend!
DeleteYou definitely have to do what feels right for you. It's a shame that there is so much pressure put on young people to get coupled up and married right away, because it doesn't give young adults a chance to enjoy being young adults.
ReplyDeleteIt is! I know there are people who are trying to change this trend, but I've noticed it even outside of college. Where I live now (semi-small town with A LOT of Christians) almost everyone my age is married. Not all - but most. I'm 25... it shouldn't be weird that I'm one of the few single people, you know?
DeleteI can give a somewhat cynical answer, which is that, in Christian churches (many religions today, actually), their young adult members stop participating in religious services, serving in their congregations/parishes, and yes, giving money to the church.
ReplyDeleteThe belief may be that early marriage gets young adults to settle down, and if they marry someone in the same faith tradition, the two of them will encourage one another to remain faithful to the religion. When two people get married under the pretext that they believe X about God and religion, if one of them changes their beliefs, there is a significant possibility that their spouse will question whether or not they want to stay in the marriage. Ergo, for some people, if they want to keep the spouse whom they love, they have to stay true to the faith. Therefore, it's possible that young adults (who are in that prime questioning-of-traditions time of their lives) who marry young may be less likely to abandon their faith.
Young married couples want a community, and they often find that community in the church, therefore, getting people married younger gets them back into the church. I remember this being evident in talking to a youth pastor for a Catholic parish in Ireland. She essentially said that young adults tend to drift away from the faith, but return when they want to be married (because they want a wedding in the church) and when they have children (they want them baptized, etc).
There's also the idea that, the sooner you get married, the more children you can have. I know that in the Quiverful movement, this would be a legitimate reason to encourage early marriage.
These are just possibilities, and I hope my comment doesn't appear to imply that there is malicious intent behind any of this. For leaders in a religion, for a person to leave the religion may jeopardize their salvation, their happiness, etc. I'd like to believe that the urge to keep young adults from leaving their faith is rooted entirely in goodwill, and not, for instance, in the desire for higher tithing.
I think these are some really good points - and they totally make sense! I don't think it's malicious at all. Working in the church, I've really seen how "desperate" some people are to get young adults back in church. I never thought about it like this before, and yeah, I can see marriage as being a way to keep them in. It makes sense. The same thing with having kids.
DeleteOh, Ring By Spring... My roommate is getting married this summer, and I believe she'll be 21. Her fiance will only be 18 or 19. (They've been together for a long time. The age thing is no longer an issue for me after a semester. Plus my aunt is older than her husband by a couple of months, and my best friend is older than her boyfriend by like a month or something.) Part of the reason it's "pushed" here is that supposedly if you get married and continue to go to school here, you only pay one person's tuition.
ReplyDeleteMy parents didn't even meet until they were in their 20s, and my dad was just shy of 30 when they married (literally a month after their wedding was his 30th birthday). Getting married young hasn't been super-foreign to me, because many of my cousins got married in college, but it's not something I want. I'm a Junior and never even been on a date. And I'm keeping it that way. It works for some, but I don't want the stress of a relationship while I'm still dealing with school.
My best friend has been dating a boy for a little over a year, and they've kind of talked about their future, and I will be thrilled if they get engaged in the next year or two, but it's not for me.
I'm not entirely sure why it's a trend, but it does bother me, and sometimes I feel really sad that I don't have a boyfriend, or even close guy friends. And then I remember that I'm learning through observation and that the longer I wait, the more worth it waiting will be.
I can see the reasoning behind the whole tuition for only one person. College is expensive!!!!! And my parents didn't marry crazy young either, so it's not like I grew up in a family where everyone got married super young. And I remember reading on your blog about your roommate getting engaged. Again, nothing is wrong with getting married young. For some people that's what works best for them - and that's great! Good for you though for knowing that it's not a requirement. But I do understand how you can feel sad about it sometimes. It's hard when everyone around you is coupling up!
DeleteYep. I have days when I wish I were dating someone, but then kind of analyze myself and realize that mostly that wishing comes from being surrounded by couples. I don't *need* a boyfriend to be happy, I just feel left out at times. I'm working through it! Someday... :)
DeleteI hear ya my friend. Even now sometimes I feel like I "need" to be with a guy to be happy because SO MANY people my age in this town are already married. But the more life I experience, and the more I grow (hopefully I'm growing as a person...) the more I'm realizing that I don't "need" to be in a relationship. The desire itself isn't wrong, and it's a natural one. But I think it's also partly what we do with it. Is this desire controlling our lives? Is it making us feel worse about ourselves for no particular reason? Is it distracting us from our relationship with God? Do we think that once we are in a relationship everything will be perfect? I feel as though that's when it gets into dangerous territory.
DeleteI am one of those people. I met my husband on the second week of college, we started dating the third week, and have been together ever since. But I definitely don't think that I would have been unhappy being single during those years either. While I have one of those "perfect relationship stories", I can tell you growing up together is far from perfect, it's a lot of work, and far rarer than its made out to be. If someone can't be happy single, they won't be happy in a relationship either.
ReplyDeleteI think it's awesome that things have worked out with you and your hubby! Relationships at any age are HARD WORK, and I feel like that's one of the key things that goes unsaid in universities like the one I went to. Instead of having the feel of "if you aren't in a relationship you aren't happy" they should be supportive of healthy relationships while also really showing that it's hard work.
DeleteIronically, I had absolutely no intention of getting my MRS degree, or of finding a husband, when I went to college (yeah... well... good intentions). Do I think that dating at Concordia may have influenced my decision to get married when I did? Probably. It's a small school, I saw him every day. I had classes with him. We shared a hymnal.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am proud to say that I was (nearly) always very happy being single. (Except when I really, really, really liked a guy.) I had a great time being single. And I had a great time in a relationship. I feel the one is vital to the other. I don't think you can be truly happy with someone else unless you're truly happy with yourself. And my relationship with Alec has continued to improve as I've gotten increasingly happy with myself. The point of one's life should not be finding a relationship. I see girls who get dumped and their lives are suddenly meaningless. And I just don't get it. Yes, be sad. But it's not the end of the world. You should always have yourself (and God) to fall back on.
"I don't think you can be truly happy with someone else unless you're truly happy with yourself."
DeleteI love that, because it's so true! Not that we can't be sad or lonely on our own at times - that's just part of life. But overall, if we aren't happy with who we are and can't be happy on our own and need someone else to make us happy, then our relationships won't be good healthy ones. And I liked how your relationship with Alec went in our CUC days. You two were one of the not obnoxious couples.
And I couldn't help but smile when you mentioned sharing a hymnal. Oh those Concordia days...lol
From my understanding, the idea of marriage developed more out of utility than love. In the olden days, people married because that was the thing to do. You chose a suitor, you gained status, you earned income, you raised children. That was a successful life. Case closed.
ReplyDeleteNowadays, the times are different. But conservative institutions, such as Concordia University, cling to these outdated values because...well, that's the definition of being conservative. So they beat these ideas into your head. They bury everybody under these ideals and fail to understand that you don't need to be married to be a good person or a faithful Christian. We don't marry because we need to, or because society demands it. We marry out of love. In order to love another person you must first love yourself...and most people aren't ready to do that when they first set foot on a college campus. The trend is quite sad. It places undue pressure on young men and women and does Christianity a disservice.
~Shane
I've always found the transition of marrying for culture and necessity and for love interesting. While marrying for love has been something longed for all through history (I mean, look at all of those ancient and historical poems and stories about love. It was there even if it wasn't practical at the time.) and now it has become a reality but we still stick to the mindset of the past. Interesting. I'm going to have to think about that some more.
DeleteI totally agree, heck I didn't even get to finish college let alone go to a christian school (which I wanted to for a long time). I did get married young though... 2 weeks after my 20th birthday BUT I was dating him for a long time, it just happened that way (God's plan). I have always said even to my friends who rushed and got married... I DO NOT recommend most people to get married young because honestly it takes a lot of maturity and some people just aren't ready to be mature enough for marriage. Statistics show that in divorce rates, even in Christians.
ReplyDeleteI also am not bashing young marriages (obviously because I was 20 lol!) but It does take a lot to make a marriage work, it's not always chocolate and kisses. I have an amazing friend who at 29 got diagnosed with stage 4 tongue cancer and going through cancer treatment and loosing 3/4 of her tongue she met her husband and just married him at 30 2 weeks ago. God's plan is defiantly not the same for everyone for marriage. Some people will be single and that is OK!
Exactly. I have nothing against people marrying young either - God has a different plan for everyone. Which is exactly what it is... everyone's plan is DIFFERENT. I wish so many Christian circles didn't have such pressure on people to get married really young, or to get married at all. Marriage is a wonderful and beautiful thing, but if someone doesn't get married it doesn't mean something is wrong with them.
DeleteThis was a very interesting read. As I am not a very religious person I always looked at this more from the outside than the inside so to speak. There were a couple of people in my year at high school that got married so young and most of them were people of faith. One boy in my year looked at a girl on MySpace from Australia and was told by his friend that she would make a great wife so he messaged her and they got engaged when they first met and after school was over, he flew to Australia to get married. Now they are both living in Germany and have 2 kids. What's the point of this little story, I don't exactly know but I always wondered why getting married young is the ting to do.
ReplyDelete