An Apology to Old Friends

I've been noticing a trend in my Timehop app lately. As I scroll down through the years I notice the ones from my early years of Facebook. Do you remember those days? When we would actually write on one another's walls and have conversations that way? Not using Facebook messenger or tagging them. Actually writing on someones wall outside of the yearly "Happy Birthday!" message. Those early posts are filled with messages and notes and conversations from my college friends. About how we can't wait for the semester to start so we could see each other again or what we've been up to over the summer or making plans for the Weeks of Welcome staff. It's been making me nostalgic for my college friends.

On top of that, one of the college friends I have kept in touch with just moved away. It all came about quickly so I didn't have much time to process before she actually left. She'll be back in a few weeks for a wedding, but the fact remains, she and her husband won't be living here in Chicago anymore.

The same day she moved, some of my other college friends were in town. Originally, they were going to be at church with us, but then plans changed.

This made me realize what a terrible job of keeping in touch with people I've done in the years since graduating college.

I think of the core group of people I spent my time with and how important they were to me. We went to one another's weddings and drove across country to go, and texted and Facebooked, and back in the day AIM was our life saver during the summers. I swore we all would be friends for the rest of our lives and see each other all of the time after graduation.


But that hasn't happened.

I see people's Facebook updates and others whom I was friends with and how their lives have changed. People who seem to have similar situations as me where they left ministry or have had some of the same struggles with our Synod. I wish I had gone to them for support. While the end result may have been the same, at least I would have known I wasn't alone.

All of this is part of life and growing up and being an adult. We lose touch with some friends and we make new ones. I love the new friends I've made since graduating. But I notice how I've lost touch with those in Missouri as well, and I haven't been gone all that long.



Even the people who are here in Chicago, I notice I haven't been the greatest of friend to them since I've moved back. Yes, we see one another and all of that, or we go to church together every week, or hang out time to time, but I know I can do a much better job.

It makes me miss the girl from my Concordia days. Don't get me wrong, I love how I've grown and changed. I make more of an effort to be who God made me to be and not what others might think I should be. I love the group of online friends I've made through blogging and YouTube and the experiences I've had. There are a lot of ways I'm glad I'm not the girl I once was.

At the same time, she was much more dedicated to the people in her life. She made more of an effort. She had fun and didn't crawl into a hole as often or get anxious about social situations the way I do sometimes.

So, this is my apology to my friends of the past. Those from high school and college and Missouri with whom I've let go of. I'm sorry. I want to do better, and I don't know how I'll do better. But I want to. Please don't take my lack of keeping in touch as a lack of caring - because I do care.

Have other people noticed this as they've gotten older? How do you balance maturing and having new experiences, but still valuing the people from the past? How do you make time for people and keeping in touch? Do you ever feel like some of the ways you've changed aren't the best?

I'm also sorry I couldn't post pictures of everyone. Womp womp.

Finding What Has Value

One of the realities of being an adult is that money is important.

I know, shocker. If you need to sit down or take a breather while taking in that information, I understand. The remainder of this blog post will be still be here when you're done processing.

Saying money is important isn't artistic, it makes me feel like I'm giving into "the man," and bowing down to evil corporate America. In case you missed the memo, I got a new job recently at a hotel. I don't know the rules with talking about work in social media and stuff so I won't say which hotel. But let's just say... I work for a pretty big hotel franchise which I'm pretty sure EVERYONE has heard of and I kind of feel like I'm in a forever episode of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Which, makes me feel like I'm selling my soul to "the man."

Then I remember "Oh wait, I really like my job. I think I'm good at it. And I get awesome perks."

Then I'm okay with it.

And being in an ongoing episode of The Suite Life isn't too bad either.

Let's be honest - if we say having money (at least some) isn't important, then we're kidding ourselves. I'm not saying you have to be rich and have money rolling around everywhere. But you know, paying off debt and being able to pay bills and get food and have a roof over your head etc. all requires money.

Unless you live in the wildnerness or something. Then that's awesome. More power to you. I wish I could be that wild and carefree. But... I like the Internet, coffee, books, and indoor pluming. So, wildnerness living isn't in the cards for me.

Because of this, landing a good job and getting a decent size paycheck becomes a major priority for people. It makes sense. A large portion of our lives is dedicated to working, finding work, getting a degree for a specific job, getting ready for work. Our schedules revolve around the ones our bosses make for us. (Unless you're one of those lucky people who get to make their own.) As sad as it may sound, for a big portion of us, our lives revolve around our jobs.

It's so easy for everything to be about what we get paid to do.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw this quote on Twitter:

Don't be seduced into thinking that which does not make a profit is without value. - Arthur Miller

Don't be seduced into thinking that that which does not make a profit is without value. ARTHUR MILLER #amwriting pic.twitter.com/NoVEXIqC1l

— Jon Winokur (@AdviceToWriters) May 9, 2015

Isn't it so easy to lose sight of this?

This past month, I've had to do a lot of adjusting of my schedule and figuring out my priorities for how I'm going to spend my time on. I'm so used to working a part-time schedule where I work right away in the morning, adjusting to a full-time schedule where I tend to work more in the afternoon/evening, it's been difficult to figure out how to balance everything.

The other day, I was talking with one of my co-workers and I mentioned how I really value my free-time. He looked at me like I was a crazy person and joked, "Free time? What's that?" 

I was almost embaressed to admit I cared about having free time. But, it's true. As much as my job is a priority for me, so is my free time. Because that's when I get to see my family and friends. That's when I get to write, work on my blog, make videos, be in community theatre, and practice ukulele. With this new job, I have great perks for staying at hotels when I travel. If I don't have free time - I can't use those awesome perks.

Sometimes I'm embaressed to talk to people about my blog or my YouTube channel or my writing because I don't make money off of them. I'm not a big blogger or YouTuber, and most likely never will be. And I'm okay with that. But, I feel like there's this expectation when you talk to people about it that it needs to be really popular and/or you need to make money off of it in order for it to be worth your time.

But that's not true. 

As important as earning an income is, it's not the only important thing. 

It's good to have hobbies and to do things you don't necessairly get paid to do. They're important because it feeds your soul. Sometimes, I feel like there are certain things where if I were to get paid to do it, the thing would be ruined for me. Because then it would become all about how I can promote myself and earn more and do more. 

For some people, making their hobby their career is the perfect option. Which is awesome! There are some people who can making their hobby into a living and love every single moment. 

I don't think I'm one of those people.

Although, yes, someday I'd love to have a published novel. But, I also know it's incredibly rare to make a living off of just writing. Most authors have another job in addition to their writing. I'm okay with this. 

My other hobbies though? No, I don't get paid to do them. But that's okay. I kind of prefer it that way.

Also, spending time with people doesn't earn a profit either. Does that mean it's not importnat? Absolutely not! We need to invest in our relationships with people around us too. 

So, yes. My co-workers might think I'm crazy for valuing my free time and not jumping at every single opportunity to work overtime. I will at times though of course! Because I enjoy what I do and support the hotel where I work. It's all about finding a balance though. I'm absolutely dedicated to my job and will do my best at it and work hard. 

But I'm dedicated to those things which don't give me a paycheck too, and that's okay.

Then over on YouTube in case you missed it:

Let's Go to Neverland

My Reaction to the Mockingjay Part 2 Teaser Trailer

Pop Culture Chicken Soup

June TBR Pile

Book Worms Talk - I Love You Beth Cooper

What If

My friend Kim and I sat at Panera like we do nearly every week. My massive and clunky laptop next to her sleek little two-in-one tablet. Our teas rested in our hands as we took sips. (Mine was some mango thing for those of you who are following my quest to find a tea I like.) We've been writing buddies this year and we read each others pages and give feedback while catching up on life and bouncing around ideas. I hadn't gotten much done this past week. I had intended to have a chapter ready to go for our writing date, but when I had sat down at my laptop to write it, nothing came to my mind. I shared with Kim my goals for the book and a general timeline of when they would happen. We agreed if I stuck to it, the goals were 100% doable.

Okay, it's not Panera. I took this at Starbucks this morning.
But I had tea and I was writing. So, it works.

"But what if it's not good enough?" I asked. "What if my ideas aren't creative enough? What if the characters are too shallow? What if no one wants to read it?"

Kim considered my question for a moment. She then gave me wise words from her mom.

I just want to say - I love Kim's family. I'm not only friends with her, but her older brother, his wife, her younger sisters, her mom, and her dad. They're pretty fantastic.

"If you're going to spend so much time worrying, then you might as well spend time thinking about the other stuff too. What if it is creative enough? What if the characters aren't too shallow? What if everyone wants to read it?"

It's not a brand new concept. Thinking positively. It's common advice. But, this time it made me think. How much time do I spend thinking about the worst that could happen? It wouldn't hurt to think about the best that could happen.

I feel as though lately this has been the attitude I've been going into this with. While applying for jobs I can't help but think "They probably won't hire me anyway..." Or I have a wedding I'm going to this weekend and I think "It's going to be annoying and awkward and I won't have anyone to talk to." Or the Les Miserables audition I have coming up next week and I keep telling people "I'll probably just be in the ensemble..." Or I think about dating and talking to a guy and I'm all "It'll just be awkward and they won't like me anyway!"

But what if it's not that way? What if it is my dream job and they do hire me? What if the wedding is the best weekend ever? What if by some miracle the director thinks having a female play Enjolras is a brilliant idea? What if that guy does like me and it's the first of many dates, or even "the one?" (If there is such a thing.) What if?

We could drown ourselves in thinking about the negative what ifs. We can think of how it all could go wrong. We could dream up of the worst possible scenarios where we face the worst rejection of our lives.

But we can also dream of the best scenario.

Tyler Oakley talked about this once in a podcast. He was doing a podcast where he was giving advice and one of the questions he was given was (from what I'm assuming is a younger fan, probably high school) about what to do if they like someone or want to ask them out. Tyler flat out said "Just say hi." He had read a book about this very concept that you have to just go out there and try. Usually, if you compare the worst case scenario to the best case scenario, the best one outweighs the worst. Then, when you go for it, even if the result falls somewhere in the middle, it's okay.

So, this week, I want to try and be brave. Go for the audition. Fill out the application and send in the cover letter and resume. Ask out the guy. Enjoy the wedding. Write the novel.

You never know, right?

Things I Loved This Week

I decided I wanted to try and share some of my favorite posts and links I've found throughout the week. Other bloggers do this periodically and I used to share other people's blogs and posts all of the time. For some reason... I just stopped. So, starting on Monday, whenever I found something I really enjoyed I copied and pasted the link to this blog post. Enjoy!

In the Blogosphere:

Kirstie from Melbourne on my Mind, did a review/recap/fangirling over Jupiter Ascending:  http://www.melbourneonmymind.com/2015/03/movie-monday-jupiter-ascending.html

Nadine from East &, shared how to find your "creative sweet spot": http://eastandblog.com/2015/03/how-to-find-your-creative-sweet-spot/

Amanda of Musical Poem, is giving away Evian facial spray!:  http://musicalpoem.me/2015/03/09/why-every-makeup-bag-needs-a-facial-spray/

Elizabeth from Oak and Oats is doing this fantastic series on phone photography (specifically Instagram) and did a great post on lighting: http://www.oakandoats.com/2015/03/lighting-instagram.html

Taylor of The Daily Tay did this really funny, but also kinda adorable "Boy Behind The Blog" post:
http://www.thedailytay.com/2015/03/the-boy-behind-blog.html

On the YouTubes:

In my letter to Laura this week I had some of our college friends say hi:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIV7KwjSPss

In Laura's letter to me this week, she went to the mall: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsojeVpol9c

The family who runs the Epoddle channel did a great video about little kids and how they mispronounce words: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wy5Hg2QbnQg

My friend Sheryl did the #Fail Tag!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5NGhxS5EUA

And finally, my friend Stephen is doing some rebranding for his YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itOyoIGB7pc

What have you been loving on the Internet this week?

Speak Up! | Heart

It's the first Friday of the month! Which means it's time to link up with Amber and Annie for Speak Up, their monthly vlog link-up. This month's topic is "heart."

I had no idea what I was going to talk about, then it all kinda just spilled out of my mouth. This video started as 23 minutes long - so there was A TON of stuff cut out to make it only 10 minutes. Haha. I'm working on trying to keep them short though!

In my video I talk about Hozier's song "Take Me to Church," say "ass" while discussing theology, and share my coffee/tea dilemma.

What are your thoughts? I'd love to hear them in the comments. Or, even better, make your own video and link up!

I'm also linking up with the Faith and Fellowship Blog Hop!

A Christmas Card from Bandit and Me

On one of the the bookshelves in my room I have on display all of the Christmas cards I've received during the season. Friends from college. Friends from the Internet. Friends from Missouri. All with pictures and stories and well wishes for the Christmas season inside of them. When I look at them I love to see their smiling faces back at me and it's nice to know they are thinking of me.

Then I feel a little guilty because another year has gone by and I haven't sent out any Christmas cards to my friends I've made over the years.

"I'm not married or have babies!" I tell myself. "They don't need a card from me!"

But let's be honest - it's just another way I fail at this whole adult thing. And that's what a blog is for. Right? Right.

Well... at least for this year.

So, since I didn't send out official Christmas cards this year. Here is your virtual one from Bandit and me. Because having a dog is the same thing as having a kid. Right? Right.

This year was a year of change for Bandit and I. At the end of 2013 we moved back to Chicago, just in time for Christmas, and started over. When I moved I didn't even have a job lined up yet, even though I had been applying and interviewing.

Then, sure enough, a friend of mine called saying she had been offered a full time nursing position and was leaving the preschool aid job she was working and was wondering if I would like to step in. Of course I would! A job is a job, and I'm good with kids.

With that, as the second half of the 2013/2014 school year rolled around I started work with the preschool and have been there ever since.

Since then I also started working at an elementary school for their after school care, and now over the holidays I've begun working at a company downtown as a work from home customer service representative. Which basically means I answer phones. I also have tried to dip my toes into some freelance writing, but haven't had the time to really dive in head first yet.

To be honest, on the job front things aren't what I thought they would be at this point. But I'm learning patience, trust, and going with the flow. I'm still working on trying to find one full time job, but for the time being this is working for the most part.

The biggest focus of my year was my sisters wedding. Natalie is outrageously happy in newly wedded bliss. Planning for the wedding was fun - but stressful at times. Overall though, the wedding was a wonderful day.

Bandit has adjusted well to Chicago life. Although, the harsh winter of 2014 was a bit of a shock to my poor Missouri dog! Most of the time I had to let him out in the garage because it was too cold or I had to put him in a little doggie coat so he wouldn't freeze outside. He and my mom's dog Indy play together all of the time and he's had to learn how to share his toys. Bandit has also had to adjust to life with the cat, Peanut. That is probably his only complaint about living here in Chicago now. He and Peanut do not get along at all. I was hoping by now he would have permitted her to come upstairs from the basement and explore during the day while he's awake. But alas, that hasn't happened yet. Here's hoping for 2015!

Mom and Dad are doing well. Mom was even busier than I was with wedding plans. She did so much work! But she also did a wonderful job. I think both Mom and Dad are glad it's over though because now they can relax a bit more. I will say, being back at home with them has it's perks. It's nice being able to spend so much time with them... and I don't have to cook for myself as often. ;-)

2014 has been full of change, but it's also been quiet. I think this was my year to rest and recoup from all of the crazy of 2013 and the big choices I made and all of the stress of ministry. While I'm not one for resting too much - I think it was good for me.

Now, it's Christmas Eve. A whole year since I moved back to Chicago. Crazy, isn't it? I've loved being back up here. I've been able to reconnect with old friends while still keeping in touch with those in Missouri (as well as I can... but I know I can do better). I love being able to go downtown again and see the city and go to shows and explore. I even have gotten used to driving around downtown Chicago if you can believe it. Not that it's my first choice or anything...

Some things haven't changed though. Jesus. My family. My friends. Love. The things that matter have stuck around even with all of the change in my life the last couple of years, so overall I think 2014 has been a good one.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all spend the holiday with those you love the most and enjoy the season.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. - John 1:14

"Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great job for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you:  You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." - Luke 2:10-12

"Love is raining down on the world tonight, there's a presence here I can tell. God is in us. God is for us. God is with us Emmanuel." - God With Us by Casting Crowns