Friday, September 12, 2014

I Don't Have "The One"

A few weeks ago, I was on the phone with a good friend (who is also one of my favorite writing partners) about her most recent writing project and her use of soul mates in the story. We talked about how, especially in fantasy writing, soul mates are wonderful plot tools. While it can be cliche at times, if you do it well it make make for a great plot piece.

Then, not long ago, Nadine wrote a blog piece about how she doesn't believe in soul mates. She talked about how she loves her boyfriend, but doesn't think they are soul mates. It's a fantastic post and you can read it by clicking here.

But then, a day or two ago I was on the phone with a other good friend. She recently went to a wedding in her hometown and was able to catch up with a good friend of hers. "We're soulmates," she told me. "We're not getting married or anything like that. It's not romantic and we're friends." 

Needless to say, I've been contemplating the idea of soulmates a lot lately. 

Like Nadine, I'm not entirely sure I believe in them. Yes, I do think God has a hand in the people we meet in life and everything. However, having that "one" person be "it?" I'm not so sure. Thinking in terms of marriage, what if someone's spouse dies and they marry again? Which was one their soulmate, the first marriage or the second? What if both were truly wonderful, healthy, and happy marriages? This is just one example I can think of where I'm not sure if the soulmate idea works. It might be great for storytelling, but in real life... I'm not so sure.

But I think my friend is onto something when she said her soulmate wasn't romantic. She was telling me how for some reason beyond her explanation they just worked. When they are together something clicks and she can't explain it for any other reason than that. When I look back on some of my relationships with friends and family I understand what she means. There are some people for some reason or another it just works. 

If there are such things as soulmates, I think we need to expand our definition of the word. First, our soulmate may not just be the person we marry or end up with. A soulmate can be anybody. A friend, a sibling, parent, cousin, etc. I can see in my mind the different people in my life where I can tell someone in our spirits connect. We work together in a way it doesn't work with other people. They are people I will never be romantically involved with, but my connection to them is still just as strong.

It makes me think of a quote from Sex and the City where Carrie wonders if maybe our friends are our real soulmates and boys are just there for fun. I'm not sure if I agree with the last part of her statement, but I do like the idea of our friends being our soulmates too. Who says love has to only be romantic? (Also - the amount of times I quote Sex and the City on this blog scares me sometimes.)

This doesn't mean it's always easy though. If we are going to say there is such a thing as soulmates, we need to stop buying into the lie it'll always be easy. Even with these people in my life we still have to work at it. If we're far away from each other we need to make a lot of effort to stay connected. Even with the ones who are close by, it takes effort. Schedules conflict, we still fight and hurt each other sometimes, and we have to work at forgiveness and communication. 

Even if you have a soulmate, you're still human. We still fail each other sometimes, and we need to learn to work through it.

The last thing I think we need to change about soulmates is the idea we can only have one. Why just one? Why can't our souls connect to more than one person? Especially if we're talking about adding friendship and family to the picture. Why can't your soulmates be your spouse, your best friend, and a sibling for example? They each bring something different to your life which cannot be replaced. 

We need to stop acting as though if the love you have for someone isn't romantic, it's not as strong. 

Romantic love is amazing and powerful and I don't want to act as though it's not. Because it is and it's a beautiful thing! If you find your soulmate in this type of relationship, I think that's amazing. But we still need our friends and our family just as much. Someday I might meet the love of my life and our spirits might connect in a way I can't explain. But that doesn't mean it cancels out the other connections I've made with my family and friends.

My soul connects to all of them.

Does God have that one single person for you in life? Maybe. I'm not sure. If he has given you "the one" - that's awesome. But maybe there isn't just one person who is your soulmate. Maybe it's not a boyfriend or husband or wife or whoever. Maybe you have a small handful of people you connect with on a level you can't explain.

No matter what it is - it's beautiful.

Linking up with the Faith and Fellowship blog hop.


  1. I love my sex & the city quotes too! Somehow they can always make sense of things. I'm thinking we have lots of opportunities for soulmates, on different levels. If that makes sense. Not necessarily just ONE person who gets you and shares your soul.

  2. As soon as I started reading your post I thought of that quote from Sex and the City. It's one of my favorites and I almost included it in my post but mine was more about romantic love. I do believe that you can have more than one person who would essentially be your soulmate (you know, if I believed in those). All the loves in your life fulfill different things and they are all so important. Thanks for including a link to my post! I loved reading your perspective.

  3. Whenever people talk about soul mates and bring up the spouse dying thing, I always think of the conversation between Henry and Da Vinci.

    Henry: Do you really think there is only one perfect mate?
    Leonardo da Vinci: As a matter of fact, I do.
    Henry: Well then how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them, are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you're supposed to be with never appears, or, or she does, but you're too distracted to notice?
    Leonardo da Vinci: You learn to pay attention.
    Henry: Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?

    Doesn't really answer the question or thought. But that's what I think of almost everyone talks about soul mates.

    I've also heard a lot of people recently talk about "the one" happening in the sense that there isn't necessarily "the one" for you, but when you get married, your spouse become "the one" because you choose for them to be "the one." If that doesn't make sense, let me know. Lol. I read a blog post once that explains it way better, but I don't remember who wrote it and Google wasn't much help. :P


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