Well, I thought that I would put in my two cents. This is what I would tell young women today about love, dating, sex, and relationships.
- There is not "the one". However, God has a plan, and He knows what is going to happen in your life. So TRUST Him. He's got it covered.
-You don't need to find the person you are going to marry while you are in Jr. High or High School or even college. The guy you go out with when you're 13 is most likely NOT your future husband, and that's OK. You can still go out with him. Sometimes you need to live and learn. Just remember that if he's not your future husband that's OK. Like I said above, God has it covered.
- If you're not in a relationship right now or don't get married someday, IT'S OK. It doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. It doesn't mean God has forgotten you. It doesn't mean that you're not beautiful. It simply means God has a different plan for you.
- There are a few elements in relationships that ALL need to be addressed.
- Soul: Find someone who has the same faith as you, and helps you to be challenged and grow in your faith.
- Emotion: This could also be friendship. You need to be friends. Get each other. Be there for each other.
- Dedication: There will be times when you are married and you wake up and can't believe you married that smelly guy next to you. But you stick with him anyways because you love him. And make sure he'll do the same for you. It's not like the movies and TV shows. It's HARD WORK. But worth it.
- Physical: I feel like in Christian circles we always act like having a physical connection is bad... but it's NOT. I really hope that you want to be physical with the person you love. Having that "spark" is a good thing. God gave us those desires, and it's OK to admit that you have them. We just need to be careful it's in the right context and we have the other elements of a relationship as well, and not ONLY physical.
-Know that God loves you. He would do ANYTHING for you, and he made you BEAUTIFUL. If you are good enough for God to love, then certainly you are for other people. So if someone doesn't like or love you back, that's their problem, not yours.
- Don't forget about your friends. I know it's easy to get caught up in a relationship, but don't forget about your friends. Because you're going to break up one day, or have a really big fight, and you're going to need friends there to help you through it.
- If he EVER touches you in a way that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable GET OUT. And if he EVER wants you to change or puts you down, GET OUT.
- Be honest. If you aren't honest with the person you are in a relationship with, then there is no relationship. Just lay it all out there. If they can't accept it, then that's not the person God has in store for you.
-Remember that guys are confused, have doubts and insecurities, and are dealing with a lot too. So put that into consideration as you date them.
- Don't call them EVERY SINGLE HOUR OF EVERY DAY. They need some space, and you do too. Let them know you're around, but don't hover either.
- Guys like stuff like video games. Don't ask me why or to try and explain it. Just deal with it. Let them play their video games. Tear them away when you need to, but it's OK to let them play sometimes.
- Always be willing to forgive. No matter who you marry (or don't marry) they are not perfect, and they will mess up. But you will mess up too. So be ready to forgive.
-Wait until marriage. From what I've been told, it's worth the wait. If you didn't wait until marriage, or make a mistake along the way eventually... GOD STILL LOVES YOU AND SO DO I. Don't EVER forget that.
- God made Eve out of Adam's rib. Not out of his head so Eve was over him. Not out of his foot so Eve could be walked on. But out of his rib, his side, near his heart.
-Love is a verb: It's what you do.
- Emily, 20's, single
You are seriously one of the smartest people I know. I'm so glad we're friends.
ReplyDeleteThis is mostly very good advice, but...
ReplyDeleteIf he EVER touches you in a way that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable GET OUT. And if he EVER wants you to change or puts you down, GET OUT.
I understand that you mean "don't tolerate being abused," but as you've phrased this it is far too extreme.
Men tend to have big fingers and rough cuticles. Furthermore, when someone is touching you, he can't feel what it feels like, and he's a different person with different preferences than you, and this ESPECIALLY applies to touching body parts that he doesn't even have himself. At some point he will do something that hurts or is uncomfortable, and it's just an accident; he means well! So that's not a reason to leave; it's a reason to speak up and explain and help him do it better.
And if he ever wants you to change? Well, it's worth evaluating whether he's got a point, because unless you are perfect, you might in fact need to change. Example: When I was 18, my boyfriend told me how deeply it hurt his feelings when I would pull out of a kiss and snap, "Eww, stop drooling all over me!" He was trying to be romantic, and he was very insecure about his kissing abilities since he was a novice. I was being much too rude about it. It was right for me to change to more polite words and, in fact, change *my* kissing technique to one that stimulated his salivation less. Both things served me well in future relationships as well as that one.
Your advice as written basically says, "If he isn't perfect on the first try, or he doesn't think you're completely perfect, don't make any effort to communicate; just break up." That's a recipe for instability and loneliness. Nobody is perfect, especially at first.
Those are some really good points Becca, and I think I probably should have rephrased some things. Because I can totally see where you are coming from. I don't mean touching you and it hurts when it's just you two getting used to each other. I mean more like "I really don't want him to touch me there and I've told him so but he won't listen" type of idea. The same thing with the changing statement. Yeah, if you are hurting his feelings or something- then you should change that. I mean more of things about what makes you, you, the good stuff. More manipulative.
ReplyDeleteBut I can totally see where you thought I was going too extreme. I'll be sure to clarify next time. Thanks for the thoughts!