Honesty On A Monday

Writing is hard.

As much as I love writing, keeping up with my blog, and creating stories, it's hard.I can't tell you how many times I sit down at the computer and stare at a blank screen for hours. Perfect scenes for stories will play out in my mind. The best blog post is waiting to be written.Then when I sit down to actually write it down, my mind goes blank.

I don't know if you've been able to tell or not, but I've been struggling with what to write on the blog lately. I know what I'm supposed to write. It's not that I don't have ideas. It's just... what I've been thinking about I just can't publish. At least not at the moment.

The struggles I've been having.

My doubts.

My fears.

My failures.

The debates I've been having in my mind.

I simply can't post them. At least not right now. It's hard to explain.



With the job I have, I live in what we call "the fishbowl." People are always watching. It's not that I can't be honest and transparent. I can and it's good to be that way. However, I still need to be careful in how I do so.

So right now I'm waiting. Waiting for the time when I can actually share with all of you what's happening in my heart at the moment.

I feel like my life has been a lot of waiting lately. Waiting for God to show me where to go. Waiting for the summer. Waiting for my next vacation. Waiting for the next big thing.

Which makes it difficult to write. Even with my fiction stories, I feel like I'm waiting for something. The big inspiration. The big story. The right word or phrase. SOMETHING. I'm not sure what, but I feel like I'm waiting for something. Which is bad since I'm completely failing Camp NaNoWriMo at the moment.

So that's where I'm at right now. I know I need to trust God that He's in control. That He knows what's coming. I read this, this morning:

"Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mothers breast. From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God." Psalm 22:9-10

I feel like this reflects my faith life. I can't remember a time I didn't have faith. I can't remember a time when God wasn't there. Even if I didn't feel him at the moment. Even though I know as life went on I had other "faith defining" moments and understandings. That doesn't mean God wasn't there even before then. He simply always... was.

I need to remind myself of this from time to time. He was there in the past. He has always been constant.

So even in my waiting, I need to know that He's still there. Even though I'm not sure what He's doing. I don't know what He's telling my heart.

I just need to be reminded of this. Because I'm pretty forgetful.

Also - I just realized the last couple of Mondays my posts have been "heavier." Far too much thinking for Mondays, don't you think?

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