Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I'll Understand Someday - So I've Heard

Everyone has wished that their lives could be like a movie or TV show. Personally, I have always wanted to live in the TV show Boy Meets World, for example. It seems as though when we watch favorite characters their lives always seem to come together, or they reflect how we wish things really were. But we always know that we live in reality, not in a small screen that sits in our living room. Well . . . at least in my apartment its a small screen.

About a week ago I had my very own "I feel like I'm in a TV show" moment. Although it was not from Boy Meets World. It was Sex and the City. Which is strange considering my life is NOTHING like the lives of these four characters in the TV show. 

I was invited to a party for some people that I know. I was excited to go because I have learned that since moving to Missouri my social life has been practically non-existent. So the opportunity to meet new people and to hang out with some friends seemed like fun. I knew that I wouldn't know many people there, but I had a few friends going and surely they would introduce me. 

Apparently not. 

It was a married couples party. There was perhaps one other single person in the room from what I could tell. All of the guests had come with their spouses, and some even their children. Now don't get me wrong, my friends who were there are wonderful people and I did have a good time. But I couldn't help but feel . . . out of place. All of the married couples were talking to one another and having fun. I have no idea what they were talking about because I was not invited into these conversations. I was not even introduced to the guests at the party I did not know. 

One of my favorite small screen guilty pleasures is the show Sex and the City. I know, probably not the best example coming from a youth minister. But it's a fact, and I can't deny that I watch the show and recently rented the second movie from netflix. I watched it about five times in the time period that the movie was in my possession. It's fun. 

In the first season of the show (in 1998) in the episode entitled: Bay of Married Pigs you hear these conversations between the characters Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte. (Taken from imdb.com)

Charlotte York: I hate it when you're the only single person at a dinner party and they all look at you like you're a... 
Carrie Bradshaw: Loser? 
Miranda Hobbes: Leper. 
Samantha Jones: Whore. 

Miranda Hobbes: When someone gets married all bets are off, they become married and we become the enemy.
Carrie Bradshaw: [voice over narration] As the only single lawyer working at her law firm, Miranda had given this topic some thought.
Samantha Jones: You know, married women are threatened because we can have sex anytime, anywhere, and with anyone.
Carrie Bradshaw: We can?
Samantha Jones: And they're afraid we're gonna have it anytime, anywhere with their husbands.
Charlotte York: I would never sleep with a married man.
Samantha Jones: What makes you so sure you haven't? Wedding rings come off you know. Face it ladies, if you're still single, you are not to be trusted. 

On my way home from the party these were the conversations going through my head. 

Previously, I had always had issues with this episode. I had never thought that there was a rivalry between single people and married couples. A majority of my friends are male, and they are married. I am friends with their wives and even have helped pick out engagement rings. Now that I am getting older, more and more of my friends are married. It's never been an issue. Naturally some things have changed, but I haven't felt as though the wives of my friends feel as though I am a threat, and they have no reason to feel as though I am. 

Then that party happened. 

I started to think like Carrie Bradshaw: "Was Miranda right? Were we enemies? Is there a secret cold war between marrieds and singles?"

Now, I do not feel as though it was a "war" type of situation, or we were "enemies" or anything like that at the party. But it got me to thinking. Maybe my group of friends is odd. Maybe outside of our little circle, married couples and single people live in different worlds. 

Do things change when friends get married? If they do, where does the change come from? Part of me wants to point the finger at the married couple and say that they are the ones not being welcoming and  cut their old friends out of their lives. Besides, now that they live with the same person 24/7 they should NATURALLY want a break from their spouse and hang out with someone else for a change.

But then a scary thought happens...

What if it's me?

What if I am actually the one with the problem? 

Am I the one cutting myself out and feeling left out? What if there is no reason for this to happen and it's all in my head? Maybe people aren't trying to leave me out and I simply put up a front and create a line between myself and the married couples. 

But on the other hand . . . if a person feels left out and on the outskirts, that is a legitimate feeling. There must be a reason for it. Because when I come to think of it, the party was not the first time I had felt this way. Although instead of the mindset of being enemies I get more of...

"You'll understand someday Emily."

Excuse me?

I'm not sure. It's something I've been debating back and forth in my head and I can't quite figure it out. 

So what do you think?

Is there a "war" between married couples and single people?


  1. My least favorite response to anything is "You'll understand someday." If you want to make me angry, say that to me. And maybe when people get married, their lives just unintentionally become about different things, things that other married people know about, and single people don't. And maybe these things aren't better or worse. It's not about who's better, singles or marrieds. Our lives are just different.

  2. I try to avoid having parties where everyone is a couple or there are just one or two single people, because it tends to feel a bit awkward. I like to have a big mix of people to keep things interesting! Especially at dinner parties, when things often get very "paired off."

    And I love the "loser, leper, whore" line, it's one of my favorites from the series :)

  3. Rough! And the thing is, I bet your married friends never even thought that you'd be the only single person there, let alone told you you would be!

  4. Hi Emily,
    I found your comment over on Love Addict. I just wanted to say hi! I am a Christian, too, and work with teens at my church, in an unofficial capacity. I also work with teens at the library officially. On this topic I have felt this way before. I remember a time when I started feeling awkward around my friends because they were all married. I did realize it had something to do with me. not because any of them were afraid I would sleep with their husbands :-) But because I felt resentful that I wasn't married. Then we had a small group of these women met together to discuss Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge, and I was amazed that we were all feeling the same things. Like, even though they were married, sometimes they felt lonely, too. I realized I was chosoing to disassociate myself with my friedns who were married. Ever since then I have made an effort to stay in touch with my married female friends. Sometimes they feel like they can't talk to you about being married or kids. But we have to remember, that we are all women and we are all people. They still need friends because hubby is going to let them down sometimes. HOpe we can chat more later.


Share with me your thoughts! They make me smile.