I Don't Have my **** Together

I had an emotionally rough weekend. I know exactly why, and it was stupid. I can even pinpoint the moment it started.

It was playing the comparison game. It's so easy to do, isn't it? Seeing what other people have in life and what they've accomplished and being all "why don't I have that?" Whether it's jobs, relationship status, having kids, working out, accomplishing goals, going on vacations - there's so many things we can think about and wonder why some people get what we want and we don't have it.

What didn't help was my reading. One, I've been working through The Assassin's Blade by Sarah J Maas and it's the set of pre-quel novellas to the Throne of Glass series. Holy cow- so many emotions! I've been avoiding reading the last one because I know what's going to happen and I'm dreading it. Seriously, authors, why do you think we are emotionally stable enough to handle these things? Come on now.

To take a break from it, I was reading Attachments by Rainbow Rowell for The Book Worms. It is one of my favorite books written by her and I loved every moment of it. Except, you know, when it was making me horribly depressed. Which is odd because this is probably the happiest of her books. (It really is happy - I promise!) What got to me is that the main character Lincoln, I could relate to far more than I care to admit. At the age of 28 we seemed to be in the same place in life and not sure where to go next.

I mean... what did I do with my weekend? Developed a crush on a fictional character in between mourning my own life. No joke, If that guy, Lincoln, was shorter and you know... not a fictional character and an actual real life person, I'd totally date him. But noooooooo. In the book there's a short blonde hair girl named Emilie whom he's not remotely interested in even though she has a crush on him. (No joke. It's true.) At least I spell my name the right way! What do you have against us girls named Emily who are short with blond hair Rainbow Rowell? What did we ever do to you????

Let's just say there even included a little emotional freak out while I sat at Starbucks before church on Sunday where I was texting a friend of mine about my life woes while trying not to cry in public. Thinking about how I have no idea what I'm doing, I don't know where I want to go, and how I thought at this point I would have a better idea of both. How even when I have the best of intentions nothing seems to turn out the way I planned or the way it should. That's always a good time...

When I got to church I was able to get myself together and was able to see some friends I haven't seen in a few weeks. It was wonderful. Even though I didn't talk about what was bothering me, I knew they wouldn't have minded if I had talked about it, and just seeing them again was enough to help me get out of my funk for a bit. Amazing how friends can do that.

Then, when the service started, we read Romans 7:15- 25. It's a passage I've always found comforting.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that noting good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God- thought Jesus Christ our Lord!

I know... it's kind of negative. But do you know why I find it so comforting? Because it's of the "big guys" of the Bible saying "I don't have my shit together."

How he wants to do awesome things but keeps screwing it up.

It's what all of my friends have been telling me. That none of us have it together. Which, I don't know why it didn't click until I read this in church. But oh well. That's life, right?

But it's true. NONE OF US HAVE OUR SHIT TOGETHER.

For a majority of people, life isn't what they thought it would be. We've make mistakes. We screw up good things. We aren't where we want to be.

But we get through it.

In Attachments, Linclon's sister Eve gives some great advice when he gets overwhelmed by wanting to fix everything in his life.

"So, what if instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow."

Found this on Tumblr: http://damecatoe.tumblr.com/post/99410322877/what-if-instead-of-thinking-about-solving-your

So... I might not have it together. But I can at least try to let my pile of good things grow, right?

Like what you're reading? I've actually begun my blog email list! (Finally.) It includes a short little note from me, a quote or thought for the week, and updates on my life and the blog. Click here to join.

Also, linking up with Mingle Monday today!

Happy Snow Day!

Because when you have the opportunity to start the week riding in on a majestic lion, you take it.

Happy Monday everyone!

In case you haven't heard, Chicago is buried in snow. It started to snow Saturday night and it didn't stop until early this morning. When I woke up on Sunday, my back porch looked like this:

Then, this morning when I woke up, it looked like this:

According to the Internet, Chicago was hit with about 19.3 inches of snow. This made it the 5th largest storm we've ever had.

Therefore, schools are closed and I'm enjoying a relaxing Monday morning before hitting the pavement again tomorrow. It's far too exhausting to complain about the snow and to get upset about the cold and winter, so, I'm choosing to enjoy it while I can. Besides, I have a feeling tomorrow at the preschool we might attempt to build a snowman. Who doesn't love that?

Anyways, I have a ton of posts planned for the blog in the upcoming weeks. Including a video of what I read in January and what I'll read in February, some new projects, talking about Disney, linking up with Amber and Annie for their monthly "Speak Up!" vlog link-up on Friday (the topic is "Heart"), and maybe some other things too! Maybe I'm getting my blogging mojo back?

In the meantime, here is my latest video on my new collab YouTube channel where I'm not very happy with YouTube...

And... FINALLY... the original video I was trying to post today is up. GEEZE YOUTUBE.

I also will now be making all of my exits via "The More You Know" star.

Thank you Katy Perry for giving us the opportunity to have such amazing GIFs.

I'm also linking up with Mingle Monday today!

5 Tear Jerking Movies

I tend to get pretty emotional when it comes to books, movies, and TV shows. While I know in my head the characters and stories aren't technically "real", for some reason my emotions don't agree. There's something strange about how I handle these emotions though.

I rarely ever actually cry.

I feel the emotion of crying. Or I'll come super super close to crying. But it's pretty rare when real tears come out of my eyes. I don't know why. I think there's probably something wrong with me because my heart could be breaking and I might feel as though I'll never be happy again. But no tears. It's strange, I know.

Many times I'll post on Facebook or Twitter or something that I'm crying during a TV show, movie, or book simply because it's easier to say that than "If I was capable of crying I would be right now." It's just too hard to explain without people thinking I'm a heartless cow. Because... I'm not. I'm super emotional when it comes to my fictional characters.

It has happened from time to time (like the finale of Boy Meets World or the memorial episode of Glee for Cory and when I read The Hunger Games Trilogy), and I have been more recently for some reason. (A side effect of getting older maybe?) Yet, real tears are still pretty rare.

So, when talking about books, movies, and TV shows which made me cry, I probably didn't actually cry. Just assume I'm feeling the same emotions as other "normal" emotional people when they read/watch these things.

In case you ever feel like sitting down to watch a movie and really want to be super sad and emotional and tear-eyed... here are some suggestions:

First- we all know you'll never be happy again during The Fault in Our Stars. I mean, my friend Laura went to see it and they were freaking handing out tissues at the theatre. We all know you'll bawl your eyes out during TFioS.

Moving on.

Because when you have the opportunity to use Dawson crying... you take it.

About Time

I don't know what it is about this movie, but when my friend Maria and I went to see it we were an emotional mess. She had legit tears running down her cheeks when we watched it. But I love this movie. Everything about it.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I'm re-reading the Harry Potter series and I'm currently on Goblet of Fire, so it's on my mind. But seriously, I can't handle this ending. When I first read this book when I was in high school I remember sitting on my bed in shock because I couldn't comprehend what had just happened. I was SO SAD. You have to understand, when this series came out, GOF was the game changer. Which is why I chose this one over Deathly Hallows Part 2. Because... obviously that one you cry during that one.

Once you read the ending  of GOF you knew nothing was going to be the same at Hogwarts. No one had actually really died during the book before. Then watching the movie, it is so heart-wrenching to see Cedric's dad and Harry... UGH. It's so awful.

Les Miserables

I remember being in high school and my band director telling us that if you didn't cry at the end of the musical Les Miserables you didn't have a heart. Guys- it's so true. Heck, ever since I fell in love with the music when I was 17, I can barely listen to Do You Hear the People Sing? without wanting to bawl my eyes out. Part of it is because it's sad. (Hello! It's literally called "The Misery.") But also because the messages and themes are so powerful and at times even hopeful. You can totally be crying out of sadness and hope at the same time. It's awesome.

You know... cause apparently crying is awesome.

Saving Mr. Banks

You will never watch Mary Poppins the same way ever again after watching this movie. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Frozen

I know... I know... I'm one of the few people in the world who isn't sick and tired of this movie. But, I really do get emotional during Frozen. I love the dynamics between the sisters and the back story is so sad and with Elsa... I feel those feels. Even just listening to "Let it Go" I sometimes get misty eyed. Also, I watched this movie with my friend Maria again. I think there's something about us watching movies together which makes us both want to cry.

This is essentially Maria and I when we watch movies.

And as a special bonus movie in case you really want the tears to flow....

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

This was the first movie I actually had real tears while sitting in the movie theater so I felt like it deserved a special shout out. The Lord of the Rings trilogy was a huge part of my high school experience. All of us would wait eagerly for the next movie to come out and we'd go multiple times and we were so attached to the characters and the story. Everything wrapping up in the last movie and all they had to go through... it really got to me.

So, confession time. What movies make you grab the tissue box?

Also, can we just take a moment to appreciate all of the fantastic crying GIFs Glee has given to the Internet?

Today's Blog Everyday in July Topic: 5 Tear-Jerking Movies. Link up here.

I'm also linking up with Mingle Monday!

Finding my Corner of the Sky

Emily's Note: Thank you all so much for your understanding and support with my last post about being tired of blogging. It showed me a few things. One, how much I love my Internet friends and the blogging community. Everyone (for the most part) is so supportive and willing to be there for each other and it's exactly why I do love it and stick with it. Second, how being honest and true to what I'm thinking and feeling is always the best way to go. I feel better about being honest, and everyone seemed to be glad I was honest. So thank you so much! Right now, I'm going to blog as often as I can, but not stress about posting everyday and see where it goes.

In the Broadway world there are two musicals which come to my mind when I think about the "quarter life crisis." The first one which is newer is Avenue Q and is basically Sesame Street for adults. The character Princeton graduates college with a BA in English with no clue what to do next and has to pay bills. Can't we all relate?

Except for the whole thing about characters being puppets I guess.

As much as I love Avenue Q, I've been thinking about the other "quarter life crisis" musical, Pippin. It originally was performed in the 70s and last year it was revived on Broadway and won best revival at the Tony Awards. Essentially, Pippin's story line starts out similar to Princeton's. Pippin (Charlemagne's son) has completed school and he's ready to take on the world and do something "extra-ordinary" with his life. (It's about much more than this... But for the purposes of this post this is what we're going with.) We did this show my senior year of college and I was the stage manager. Usually with musicals I'm involved in, as much as I love it, I always get to a point where I'm thinking "If I hear that song one more time I'm going to kill someone!" But I never got to that point with Pippin. 

The most classic (if not now showtune cliche) song from this musical is "Corner of the Sky" where Pippin shares how he wants to find his perfect place in the world. He wants to know where he belongs and do something amazing. 

As many other Broadway fans before me, I find myself singing the same song. No, not just belting it while driving around in my car with the windows rolled down while other drivers give me strange looks. (Although one did tell me I sounded good. True story.) But having the same sentiments of wanting to find my place. My own corner of the sky.

Rivers belong where they can ramble

Eagles belong where they can fly

I've got to be where my spirit can run free

Gotta find my corner of the sky

But then the other lyrics and messages of the show creep into my head.

Spoiler alert: if you haven't seen the show and don't want to know the ending, stop reading here. I'm sure you can get the original performance on Netflix DVD or there's a bootleg YouTube version somewhere. Watch that then come back.

Pippin tries everything, but nothing seems to work. Then he meets a girl (as one does when you're in a Broadway musical) and starts a boring everyday life. But he doesn't want this life. It's so ordinary! So he runs away. Then, in the finale, he turns back from becoming "the sun" and goes back to the ordinary boring life.

But if I'm not tied to anything, I'll never be free.

I have a love/hate relationship with this part. I love how he doesn't pick glory and fame and all of the things in life which seem to sparkle and shine, but living an ordinary life. How being ordinary is extraordinary.

It's the picking one thing part which gets to me. I have a hard time with the choosing one thing and sticking to it in order to be free. I'm stuck in the part of the show where Pippin is shouting how he's so amazing and can't be held down because he's so "extra-ordinary" and how he'll never find "it."

Never! Never! Never!

Because let's face it, being a renaissance woman isn't very realistic. Can anyone really go from experience to experience wanting to see and do everything? Or do people like me (and Pippin) need to just pick one and be tied to something in order to be free?

Linking up with http://www.lifeofmeg.com/ for Mingle Monday!

Word Vomit

Here's the thing about finally writing something you're proud of.

Suddenly, you no longer want to write a single thing because in your head you're all "But now everything else will be awful in comparison! I have no more ideas! I'm a terrible writer!I'm an even worse blogger!"

Therefore, no blog posts happened after last week Tuesday.

Womp womp.

I figure, the only solution to get me out of this writing slump is to simply write. Whatever is on my mind. Just type my stream of thought. Who cares if it's good or not? This blog post will get lost with the other awful ones I've written and be forgotten about before I know it. Then I'll get my groove back and something good will come along soon. Heck - I might not even edit this post before hitting "publish."

I'm such a rebel!

Cause you know, we bloggers tend to be rebels you know. That's just how we roll. Watch out Internets! Grammar nazi's beware because you never know what I'll type next!

I told you I was in a writing slump.

It also doesn't help that I have two dogs crowding my space. While this is super adorable, but it makes it difficult to type. They think my laptop is a pillow.

It also doesn't help that for the last two days I have been watching Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23. Why did it take me so long to watch this show? It's completely hilarious! I also now really want to watch Dawson's Creek but this time it'll be SO MUCH FUNNIER.

I never thought the primary reason I'd love a show would be James Van Der Beek. But there it is. You've gotta love an actor who can make fun of himself.

Also, I feel like I should be offended by the way they talk about people in wheelchairs... but I just find it completely hilarious.

Beyond TV and puppy distractions though, I think part of my problem has also been myself wondering why I blog. I love writing and I love the friends I've made through it and how I can keep in touch with people, yet at the same time I wonder why I do it. Am I just adding to all of the noise that is already on the Internet? Why does this little corner of web matter? I don't plan on stopping or anything, but I just can't help but wonder the why of all of this.

Yesterday, I was chatting with some of my friends at lunch about blogging. They have to write for their company blog and wanted some advice. They asked me what the purpose of blogging was, and I couldn't give them an answer. I said what I always do. "I've been writing my whole life and I figured, 'why not?' and if people wanted to read it, great! If not, that's okay too." Usually, I feel as though this is a sufficient answer. Then when I said it out loud and not just part of a blogging questionnaire, it felt so silly.

Because what do I have to add? Another story about someone in their 20's not knowing what their doing? Another site about someone fangirling over Supernatural?

But who could blame me on that one? Am I right?

Speaking of the Winchester brothers, I feel as though I haven't watched in forever. I'm in season 7. I'm sorry boys, I haven't abandoned you. I promise.

I keep looking at my phone. I interviewed for a job a few days ago and I haven't heard back from them yet. They said they'd call either way. It's driving me insane!

I also pitched a short story series to a website a few days ago and I haven't heard from them either. It's very frustrating.

Oh! This morning, I finished Days of Blood and Starlight by Lani Taylor and it's the second in the Daughter of Smoke and Bone trilogy. Guys, if you haven't read these books you need to. They're fantastic and the third one comes out this week. (I think.)

OK... enough of my rambling. I'm sure you all have had enough of it. But here's hoping I'll get back to "normal" tomorrow!

Linking up with Meg for Mingle Monday!

Hippie Christian

When I was in college, one of my friends had this "brilliant" idea. He was one of those people who was a bit eccentric. He was tall and lanky with frizzy, curly, brown hair, and glasses. He walked around barefoot, gave the best shoulder rubs, ultimate frisbee was his favorite thing to do, and was kind of a feminist. Most of all, he loved people. He had the biggest heart and always wanted to find new and innovative ways to help others.

During meals, my group of friends and I always pushed the tables together to create this huge table to include a ton of other people. We could probably fit at least 20 people to our table or more on a daily basis. Looking back, this probably wasn't a very good idea because the table was so big it wasn't even like you were sitting with the people at the other end. But it was fun and we did it anyway because it's not fun to leave people out. The cafeteria staff probably hated us.

One day, during lunch, my friend told us about this idea he had. What if people all lived in one big house? Friends, spouses, children, etc. They all lived together, did meals together, helped pay the bills, babysat, etc. Basically... a big Christian Hippie Commune.

It was very much something a guy like him would think of.

As conversation about this idea went on, people started to have doubts. His girlfriend/finace at the time (I'm not sure where they were in their crazy relationship) decided it would be a bad idea. Practically, it just wouldn't work. What kind of house would they have? What if they had different philosophies about family? What if someone was unemployed, would they just be off the hook for paying the bills? Stuff like that. She had some good points and as we discussed we determined it wouldn't be all that brilliant.

However, from time to time I think about his idea. The big Christian hippie commune. A couple of years ago I mentioned it to him and he said he still stands by it and thinks it would be awesome. Sometimes I wonder if he knew something we didn't. He always had these outrageous ideas about love and community and church that would be completely againt the norm and not what we typically see in the Christian church. I'm sure some people at our conservative Lutheran university thought he was crazy.

Yet, maybe his ideas weren't that outrageous. Ultimately, he was all about living life together and walking through it side by side. Loving people simply because that was what you did, not because someone told you to or it was a program at church that day. Not loving and living because you're "supposed" to but simply because that's how it was.

I'm still not sure if the Christian Hippie Commune would have worked. But sometimes I like to imagine it could have and it would be fun to try.

Also, the giveaway for $170 on Bonnie's blog is still going on and is open until Friday! You can check it out here: http://www.thelifeofbon.com/2014/02/im-gonna-steal-some-souls-and-give-away.html

http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/32e5e836/" rel="nofollow">a Rafflecopter giveaway

My Brain Refuses to Work

I thought once I moved and all of the crazy with leaving Missouri was done, writing would be so much easier. I would be able to write about whatever I wanted!

Nope. Lies. All lies.

It's harder now.

With the holidays and the crazy polar vortex blog posts practically could write themselves. But now that all of the holidays are over and the snow is now melted into disguting puddles which are a mix of ice, mud, and grass... I'm in a blogging dry spell.

Unless you all want to hear about how I'm geeking out over the possibility of a Frozen musical, the steampunk book I'm almost done with, how I didn't watch the Golden Globe awards, or how it's taken me until yesterday to finally get out and work on writing my NaNoWriMo project. Even with that, I didn't actually get writing done, but just characterization. (Which was actually quite helpful.) However, I did read Niel Gaiman's blog today and he hasn't been writing lately either he admiteded. So, that made me feel much better.

I know I could find some sort of questionaire or link-up to do, but I don't want to simply use those when I need a topic to write about. If I did, those posts would every single day.

Maybe it's because it's Monday and my brain isn't working. I don't know.

What do you all do when you're in a blogging dry spell?

Christmas Week in Review

First off, I want to apologize for the crazy that was my blog on Friday. First, the link-up tool wasn't working, and then it just messed everything else up. My layout was screwy, people couldn't comment, links weren't working - it was awful. But it seems as though everything is cleared up and working again. So, if you want to participate in the 2013 Book Wrap-Up - you still can! Just click here. 

Okay, moving on.

Whew. Is it really Monday already? Was Christmas really last week? Have I really been back in Chicago for a week now? This is crazy. However, technically it is still only the sixth day of Christmas. (Yes, the 12 days of Christmas actually START on Christmas day. Today we should get six geese-a-laying.) Which means, we're still in the Christmas season and we can keep celebrating. Cue NSYNC "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!" 

However, since I accidentally took a blogging break last week, I'm behind in updating you all on how moving and celebrating with my family went. So... here we go! Be ready for a nice picture dump.

Sunday- my last official day at St. Andrew

If you couldn't tell by my tweets and Facebook posts that morning, for at least the first two hours of the day I couldn't look at anyone in the eye without crying. I even told some people that I wasn't ignoring them, I just didn't want to start crying again.

But, they did have an awesome spread of food between services including this fabulous cake. 

The cake, and all of the other food, was fantastic! One thing you can never fault St. Andrew for is food. They know how to eat there.

They also gave me this beautiful poinsettia.

Also, you can't see it well in this picture, but Pastor Short wore this wig during his sermon when he was pretending to be Joseph. Basically, whenever I felt sad I would picture this in my mind and I would laugh.

 That afternoon, my mom and sister arrived to help me pack, and we had the Christmas pageant. (Which I wrote and helped direct.) Here is my fantastic cast:

 It was an emotional, but very good day. I am so grateful for St. Andrew and all of the support (and Starbucks gift cards!) they have given me over the last 5 1/2 years. I'm going to miss them, and all of my other friends in Cape, so much.

 Monday- Moving Day!

Yeah... that's my empty bedroom in my old apartment. Remember when I was first moving in there and it was a big fiasco? Sigh. Good times, good times. You can read about that story here and here. 

Basically the whole day was me running errands, us picking up the truck (which was another ridiculous fiasco), packing boxes, driving up to Chicago, and my saying a few final goodbyes. But, I did get a lead on a part-time job that day up in Chicago. Hooray!

Tuesday- Christmas Eve

Which turned out to be the coldest Christmas Eve in a decade according to the Chicago news. It was zero degrees when I woke up, and I had to go out into the cold to get orange juice and coffee cake for our breakfast with my sister and her fiance. I'm sure everyone in Missouri was laughing at me. 

However, we had a lovely Christmas Eve. My sister and her fiance came over for breakfast to exchange gifts and help unload the truck as well as hang out for a little while.  Also, don't my mom decorate the most beautiful tree?

I also must officially live in Chicago now because I received my first pieces of mail. Christmas cards from my friends!

That night Mom and I went to the candlelight service at the church where I grew up and my family are still members. I'll admit, I was nervous about going back and having to answer a lot of awkward questions about why I moved back and what I'm doing now. But I didn't have too many of those, and I even had a quick chat with my 8th grade teacher (who coincidentally was college roommates with the wife of a St. Andrew staff member). She was really supportive and said how we need to go after our dreams while we can. Then, our senior pastor had the most wonderful sermon about praising God and all he has done. It was one of the best Christmas Eve sermons I've heard.

Wednesday- Christmas Day!

AKA- the day my parents and I never get out of our pajamas. Ever.

We did get a light dusting of snow that night, so we can officially say we had a white Christmas.

 All we did was sit around the house, eat, open gifts, unpacked a bit, and watched Christmas movies. It was lovely after all of the crazy of moving. Lazy Christmases are my favorite because you aren't stressed about having to get to places and you can simply enjoy being with your family and soaking in all God has done.

Name that movie!

The Christmas Haul!

Since everyone else in blog land is doing it...

This one from one of my closest friends, and she got me some nail polish along with a fantastic bag/purse for books and tablets. I've been needing a good way to carry around my iPad for awhile now, so this was perfect!

From "Santa" I got a lovely Sephora eye-shadow palette that I can't wait to try out, sweaters and tops, leg warmers,leggings,  a head wrap to keep my ears warm, and a Barnes and Noble gift card.

Then, in the mail, Leah sent me a box of Starbucks k-cups for my Keurig and this pretty ring!

Overall, it was a good week. Christmas was wonderful and relaxing, and now the big move is over. I do get pangs of missing my friends in Missouri, but they've been texting me and my friends up here in Chicago have already been distracting me by going out to eat and catching up. Then this week my family and I are heading over to Indiana to see my mom's side over there for the New Year. I'm so excited to see them!

How was everyone else's week since I kinda disappeared and have no idea what's going on with everyone?