Looking Back

Yesterday and today are big days for some church workers for the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. It is call day.

For those of you who aren't LCMS nerd like me, call day is basically when those at the seminary learn where they are headed after their studies. For those in their second year at the seminary, they find out where their one year vicarage will be. For those getting ready to graduate, they get their first professional assignment. It's a pretty big deal.

I went through my own experience like this when I finished my fourth year of college and was finding out where my internship would be. The whole thing is very Book of Mormon.

If you want to learn more details of how the whole system works just let me know. Heck, you can even ask it for the Q&A post I'm thinking of doing soon. ;-)

This year, one of my friends from college was one of those preparing to graduate and received his first call last night. Hearing about the service made me think back to our college days. He and I had been friends ever since our first week of college. Heck, I think we even met freshman move in day. We clicked right away and were basically inseparable until graduation day. Even after, he (along with another one of our close friends) went to the seminary in St. Louis and I had my internship only two hours away. That first year out of college was basically college all over again, only with bigger paychecks and I had a job instead of classes. 

I remember our group of friends always sitting around in various places on campus. It changed year to year or semester to semester depending on where we lived and which had 24/7 hours. Sometimes it was the local Irish pub or IHOP. A lot of our conversations focused on where we felt we were heading and what we wanted to change and the big dreams we had for the future. We were our own ministry dream team. 

Now, here I am, not doing ministry but at peace with it. Instead of sitting in the pews watching our other friends receiving their first calls, I'm finding out through text messages and Facebook. Some of us are far away in other states, some are right back where we started (or so it feels at time), some are happily married and looking for new adventures, and others are doing something completely different than when we first began.

Sometimes I wonder what that college girl would think if she met me now. Would she be mad? Sad? Disappointed? If I were to tell her full time public ministry wasn't going to be forever and it was a good thing, would she believe me? Would she be sad at how our small group of friends has dispersed? We all still love each other and care about each other, and I still call all of them my good friends. But those friendships look much different than I thought they would at this point in my life.

The friends I do talk to on a regular basis and I discuss this topic often. We are always amazed at how much has changed in these years since college. It's not a straight line to whatever our supposed goal was at the time. The goal changes. The road twists and turns. We meet new people and have new experiences those from our past may not know about or understand. 

All of these things are okay. It's part of life and growing and becoming an adult. But it's hard to adjust sometimes to these new situations and elements of life. Some people stay with us and are by our side the entire time. Others remain in our lives but their roles change. Others might just leave. Not because of a choice, but simply because you grew apart, and you still think of each other fondly. Some you might even rediscover somewhere along the line and pick up right where you left off. 

Jobs and dreams change too. I know I'm not the 18 year old girl I was when I began college and wanted to be in youth ministry and change the world. I'm happy with the person I'm becoming - at least for the most part. There are definitely things in my life I want to change. I get frustrated and have doubts about everything. But I'm also glad I'm not who I was. She was awesome and helped me to be who I am now. But I'm glad I'm not her anymore either. I don't want to regress to who I was in the past and keep moving forward.

A Manifesto- Part 1: I Believe

All year, I have been getting Cake For Breakfast. Each Monday I receive an email with a writing prompt which is supposed to help me figure out what I want in life, how I view the world, etc. It's been pretty awesome and I've really been enjoying writing out all of my thoughts.

This week, the prompt was a bit different and it caused me to think a lot more than I have in the past. We were supposed to write a manifesto.

According to the Merriam-Webster website, a manifesto is "a written statement that describes the policies, goals, and opinions of a person or group."

Ashley, (the creator of Cake for Breakfast) had us write our manifesto in five parts.

1) I Believe

2) I Want to Live in a World...

3) Here's What I Know for Sure...

4) Your piece of advice you want to share with the world.

5) A one sentence mini-manifesto.

Usually, the writing prompts have just a couple of questions and take about ten minutes to complete. This week... I have a lot to think about and I'll probably be working on it all week. However, I did get started on the "I Believe" part, and I wanted to share it with all of you.

Although, I will admit, as I was writing this I totally felt like Elder Price and was singing the song "I Believe" in my head the entire time. Even thought I'm not a Mormon.

If you have no idea what song I'm talking about, it's from the musical The Book of Mormon and you can see the Tony performance by clicking here.

Anyways.

... Jesus gives unconditional love, grace, mercy, freedom, and new beginnings every day

... family is a gift

... family can extend beyond blood

... stories can tell the truth and expand our imagination

... the arts feed us just as much as food

... in puppy and kitty kisses

... in laughter

... in tears

...in measuring life in love

... loving God means loving others

... in snow days

... in coffee shops

... in being kind to those who serve (ex. your waiter)

... Internet friends can be just as close as "real life" friends

... in taking a day off

... in changing your life when the time comes

... in being honest

... in traveling

... in expanding your horizons and getting out of your comfort zone

... sometimes you just have to let it go

... in romance

... in learning new things

... sometimes it's okay to just stay at home and watch TV/Netflix with family and a good book

... in fairy tales, even if they look different than we first imagine

...  sometimes life is hard, but that doesn't meant it's not beautiful

... in faith and hope and trust

... we are all broken, but loved.

What do you believe?

2013 In Review

And here we are. It's New Year's Eve and everyone is getting ready to celebrate. We're looking back at the last 12 months and looking forward to the next. Some are ready to party with friends, while others, like myself, will be with family when midnight rolls in. In case you need a refresher- here are the highlights of 2013 for me. It was a year of changes, theatre, and a lot of endings, goodbyes, and lasts.

Warning- there are A LOT of photos. If you just want a quick Instagram video, you can watch this:

January

This is the month I mainly remember for meeting Kirstie, Lor, and Alice in Orlando! We went to Hogwarts and Disney and it was fabulous.

Back in Cape, was also the Abbott Awards for the local community theatre. The play I was in (Smell of the Kill) won for best show!

February

The first memorable part of February was when I taught my last session of Peer Ministry Training and brought along these three amazing teenagers. (I'm going to miss these guys so much!)

Then, later that month I went up to St. Louis and visited the Fabulous Fox Theatre for the first time to see The Book of Mormon!

March

I was in another play! River City Players put together a vintage style radio show and I was one of the singers!

Then, with Easter being so early, I saw the 7th graders get confirmed on Palm Sunday.

April

I don't have photos- but the first thing I did in April was go wedding dress shopping with my sister! While, it ended up being a long day of white fluffy dresses, it was still an important day to remember. You only help your sister pick out her wedding dress once! (Hopefully.)

I also went on some outdoor adventures once spring came into full bloom with my friend Ginny.

April was also the month of the Boston bombing - and while we were reminded of how awful people can be, we also were reminded how great they can be as well. This video was one of my favorite reactions:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91a19xnXNvo

Then.... I got cast as the Nanny in Romeo and Juliet, the first play for the new theatre company Acting Out!

But, I also stuck in there my last confirmation retreat. (So many lasts!)

May

This means the month of May was basically consumed with rehearsals for Romeo and Juliet. 

However, one of my friends also got married in May! My sister, and her sister were both bridesmaids in the wedding. They all looked beautiful!

However, what I'll always remember the most from May is that at the beginning of the month is when I told my senior pastor I would no longer be a youth minister. It was probably the biggest moment of the year for me because it meant all of the thoughts and feelings I was having about ministry became real and I was finally doing something about it. It was terrifying and exciting, and it paved the way for the rest of 2013.

June

Finally- Romeo and Juliet! Even though we got rained out our last day. It was outrageously depressing. Which also happened to be the same week as Vacation Bible School. Basically, both dress rehearsal week for a play is insanity, and VBS week at a church is insanity. Put both together? Basically I must have had a death wish.

It's a good thing both were fantastic.

I also began watching Supernatural and began a love affair with the Winchester brothers. Hello there boys.

July

Generally, July is the month when I'm never in town. It was the month of my last big trips with St. Andrew. National Youth Gathering in San Antonio, Camp SonRise, and a mission trip to Alabama. All three were wonderful- but also bitter sweet because these were always highlights of my year for youth ministry and they were my last ones. Yet, I couldn't share what I was thinking because no one knew my plans yet. As enjoyable as they were, it was rough.

 August

Compared to July - August was downright boring! But, I did attend a leadership simulcast via Willow Creek was is always awesome, I participated in VEDA for the second year in a row, and my friend Kelli got married!

September

This month, I wrapped up my second show with Acting Out!, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, began working on a River City Players show which I was the assistant director, Nuts, Bolts, and Carnations,  and was cast in Acting Out!'s final show, Night of the Living Dead. When I look back - it's amazing how 2013 was focused on theatre. Which I LOVE! I worked with such wonderful casts and directors, and I made some amazing friendships through these shows. It made my last year in Cape Girardeau totally worth it.

October

I was the Tardis for Halloween, Night of the Living Dead opened and closed, my friends Michael and Katrina welcomed their second child into the world, and I led my final Jr. High Retreat. But personally, the biggest moment was finally announcing to the congregation I was leaving ministry. Between that and the saddest episode of Glee that week, I was an emotional wreck. But at least everything was out in the open. You can read all about it here.

November

Or as I know it... NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH! AKA- one of my favorite times of year. I won for the 6th year in a row and I am so excited about this novel still. If I can get the drafts done, I'm going to be seriously considering sending out query letters for this project.

Beyond that though, there was also Thanksgiving with my family and the closing night of my last play in Cape Girardeau.

December

And now here we are. December. A month of goodbyes, getting snowed in, job searching, packing, and preparing for Christmas.

...
...
...
...
...

Oh yeah... and I got two tattoos which my friend Michael has named my "quarter life crisis."

My right forearm

My left calf/ankle

Surprise!

Hello, My Name is Elder Price

It's time for some honesty.

First of all, honest blog posts are hard to write. I've been staring at this blank Blogger screen for at least 20 minutes. I would think of how I wanted to say something, then change my mind. I typed in a word then erased it right away. I searched on Google for the perfect GIF which could express my feelings or tried to think of a story to open with. I tried to think of a funny way to spin what's going on in my head but I trashed those ideas too.

Nothing.

This is one of those blogging signs when you know things are about to get real.

I remember when I was in college and when I first was getting ready for my internship. I was really scared about what was going to happen next, but I was also really excited. Everyone else was excited for me too. Everyone I talked to had confidence that I was going to be awesome. Honestly, I feel like I could be compared to Elder Price from The Book of Mormon. Although, hopefully I wasn't quite as ego-tistic. You never know though. I might have been and just didn't want to admit it.

It was going to be incredible. Something my friends and professors and family members would be proud of. My friends and I had all of these lofty ideas about ministry and church and how we were going to change things. 

OK... Lutherans. Not Mormons. But you get the idea.

I'm not who I was when I first started out, and that's a good thing. The Emily who started out was much more naive, immature, and had a lot of insecurities. Granted, I still have all of these things. But it's different now. I like who I am now, my views have changed about church and ministry, and my views of myself are different now too. This is a good thing, and I'm happy for it.

Yet, the last couple of days I can't help but feel pangs of sadness and even failure and regret as I look back at the last several years.  I've been thinking about the moments where I didn't do the best that I could. There are situations I could have handled better. There are things I wish I could have changed.

A lot of changes are going to be happening at this congregation. Many of them honestly have nothing to do with me. They just happen to be happening at the time I am leaving. As I watch and listen to the ideas that are being thrown around, I like what I'm hearing. Part of me is jealous I won't be able to be there to see it in action.

I wonder if I gave up too quickly. Was there more I could have done? 

Before all of you swoop in and try to reassure me that I've done well and I'm not Elder Price, etc. I know I'm not a failure. I think that even if I changed those things in the past and stuck around longer to see the changes here ultimately I would have made the same decision. I truly do feel this is the right choice. 

Yet, these feelings are still there. They aren't always there. There are times when I know I have done well and it's simply time to move on. 

But I still have to deal with the fact that I've made mistakes. I didn't do everything I had set out to do. Which maybe I wasn't supposed to. I don't know. Or maybe I'm supposed to do it in a different way. I can't always even remember what I wanted to do she I first started out. I have to see other people pick it up and do what I started. Or try something brand new. 

Whenever I hear people talk about how one should never have regrets, I call BS. We all have regrets. We all have failures. If we deny this we're lying to ourselves and everyone around us. 

Yet, In spite of our regrets and failures, we move on. 

We have to pick ourselves up and keep going. Even if we don't know what the future holds.

Top Three

"Shhh! Bring your voice down!"

I hear this a lot. I'll get really excited about something, or simply talk, and as I go on I can hear it. The volume of my voice raises (sometimes gets really squeaky) and I know people are noticing. But I can't stop it. It just... happens. Then someone in the group I'm in glares at me and tells me to try to be quieter because people are staring. Or they somewhat discreetly move us to another section of the coffee house. Or I notice that I can't really hear anyone else singing at church...

I'm loud.

I know it's a problem. (Unless I'm doing a play or musical- then it's awesome!) I know I embarrass people when my voice raises in public. I just can't help it. I have a weird sounding voice that carries. I'm working on it though.

My Favorite Things - February

For the past year, at the end of every month I have posted a list of the top 10 songs I've been listening to. 

I think it's time to switch things up. While I love getting music suggestions from people. I've found that I have enjoyed reading/watching people's recommendations about almost EVERYTHING. Not just music. Therefore, I'm going to copy them and do the same thing. We'll see how it goes. I might switch back to just music next month. It all depends on my mood I guess.

A Lot of Lists and Fan Girling

While you are reading this, I will be:

A) Sitting at the airport waiting for my flight

B) At my friend Chelci's preparing to leave for the airport

C) Sitting on an airplane

D) Arriving in ORLANDO to see Alice, Kirstie, and Lor.

E) Sleeping

That's right friends - I'm heading to Orlando this week!

Source